Come on, ladies!
Let's see some hustle.
Uh, excuse me.
Is our little practice bothering you?
Get on the field!
All right, let's work!
Let's scrimmage. Come on!
You seem so distant these days, Brett.
Is there something I did?
'Cause if there is,
I want you to tell me.
Ashley, it's just...
I'm ready to work through
whatever it is that we need to work through.
But we need to communicate.
I need you to talk to me.
Ashley, it's just that I love you so much...
It scares me.
Oh, man, you wanna hear something way messed up?
You know that Molly Hatchett shirt
I was wearing the other day?
You know, the one with the executioner guy holding that bloody ax,
and under his foot's the severed head.
Yeah. Yeah.
That's my shirt.
Yeah, so...
My mom, she makes us go to church every week,
and we gotta dress up.
And so I get there,
and the stupid priest says I can't come in.
You can't wear stuff like that at church, man.
Why not, man? It's church.
They're supposed to forgive people there.
So you hate my shirt.
Forgive me... Let me come in.
Hey, I believe in God, man.
I've seen him. I've felt his power.
He plays drums for led zeppelin,
and his name is John Bonham, baby!
Oh, yeah!
Hey, Lisa!
Here's those noogies you ordered.
It's a real cinderella story.
Eh, former Greens keeper.
Oh! He got all of that one!
It's in the hole! It's in the hole!
Sam Weir.
You really like bill Murray, don't you?
Yeah. He's great.
Bill Murray sucks, man.
No, he doesn't. He's cool.
Oh, really? What is he, your boyfriend?
Sam queer.
It's fightin' time, weird.
Leave me alone, Alan.
I'm sorry. I don't speak geek.
I always wanted to know what it'd be like to fight a girl.
I'm a girl.
Wanna see what it'd be like to fight me?
Uh.
Weir's sister has to protect him?
I'm not protecting him.
Just trying to figure out why it is you need to pick fights
with guys who weigh less than a hundred pounds.
Watch out, Alan.
I think she's high on pot.
Yeah. I might just go psycho on you.
You wanna try me?
You're dead, all right?
As soon as your freak sister isn't around,
I'm gonna cream you, man.
You know, you really didn't need to do that.
I could've handled it.
Yeah, I know.
And by the way,
I weigh 103 pounds.
Sorry.
Man, I hate high school.
♪ I don't give a damn 'bout my reputation ♪
♪ livin' in the past, it's a new generation ♪
♪ go and do what you want to do ♪
♪ and that's what I'm gonna do ♪
♪ and I don't give a damn 'bout my bad reputation ♪
♪ oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no ♪
♪ not me ♪
♪ whah! No! ♪
♪ no, no, no, no, no, no, no ♪
♪ not me ♪
♪ me, me, me, me ♪
♪ I don't give a damn 'bout my reputation ♪
♪ I've never been afraid of any deviation ♪
♪ and I don't really care if you think I'm strange ♪
♪ I ain't gonna change ♪
♪ and I've never gonna care 'bout my bad reputation ♪
♪ not me! ♪
You know, I ran into Mrs. patton today at farmer Jack,
and she said she saw you smoking.
Well, she's crazy.
Mom... I can't believe you.
Do you seriously think I would start smoking?
Ok. I... Heh.
You know, I had a friend that used to smoke.
You know what he's doing now?
He's dead.
You think smoking makes you look cool?
Let's go dig him up now and see how cool he looks.
Daddy, if I started smoking, I would tell you.
Oh, good. Now I don't have to worry.
Hey, dad, guess what.
They're showing Monty python and the holy grail
at parkway Saturday night.
Neal, bill, and I are gonna watch it twice in a row.
Great.
Sam, isn't the homecoming dance Saturday night?
Yeah.
Are you going?
No. Why would I do that?
Well, your sister's going.
No, I'm not.
All right, kids,
high school is for learning,
but it's also where you should be learning how to socialize.
That's what high school dances are all about.
No, they're not.
They're just a chance for the popular kids
to experiment with sex in their cars.
Lindsay! Hey!
If that's what you want me to do,
then I'd be happy to go.
You know, there was a girl in our school...
She had premarital sex.
You know what she did on graduation day?
Died...
Of an overdose... Heroin.
Dad, are any of your friends alive?
The smart ones.
I'm sure there are plenty of kids
who are just dying for someone to ask them.
Mom, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Honey, it's stupid until you consider
how happy it'll make somebody who really wants to go.
Nobody I know wants to go.
Lindsay, honey. Dad!
Great. That works out perfect.
I'm having a midnight madness deer hunting sale that night,
and you can come wait on all those nice hunters.
The choice is yours.
Thanks, Carla.
Hey, Eli.
I think tom needs a hug.
My buddy.
Ok. Ok.
You're such a jerk, man.
What? Eli likes you. Congratulations.
Hey, Mr. K.
Mr. Schweeber.
It's Schweiber.
Ah, Mr. Bones, Mr. Spock.
May I join you here in the enter prisemess hall?
I'm so hungry I could eat a tribble.
I... I don't get it.
Who's that?
John Wayne.
Oh. Ok.
Why does my mom always put a note in my lunch?
It's so embarrassing.
At least your mom doesn't write the note on the bag.
Are you guys going to the homecoming dance?
No.
I really don't see that happening.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I crush your twinkies?
What did you do that for?
What are you gonna do, go crying to your sister,
Sam rear?
No. No, I'm not.
Mr. Kowchevski. Alan smashed my twinkies.
Oh, my God. You're such a woman.
Alan, you don't have anything better to do
than to crush Mr. Weir's dessert?
Oh, well, you know,
I was just bending down to talk to him,
and I accidentally leaned on it.
I'm sorry.
and buy him some new ones?
Oh, yes, sir.
Thank you, Mr. Kowchevski.
Sam, you want some advice?
Be a man.
You shouldn't let Alan do that to you.
I don't see you doing anything!
My dad tells me to stay out of fights
that don't affect me directly.
It'd sure be nice if you guys backed me up once in a while.
My sister does, and she's a girl.
Yeah, but if we back you up,
than Alan's gonna terrorize us, too.
Listen, you guys have gotta help me,
or else he's never gonna leave me alone.
Ah!
Hey, Daniel.
Hey, Lindsay. What's up?
Where you been?
I been... Just around.
Come on, let's hit the patio.
Oh, the smoking patio.
Mm-hmm.
Ok.
It's all right. They don't bite.
Ok.
Ow!
Don't touch me, you scuzz.
I'm sorry.
Your butt was calling to me.
Hey, Nicholas, you get those m-80s?
I don't know, man. You got the money?
You guys know Lindsay?
Hi.
You were in my English class last year, right?
You're that chick who got an "a."
Yeah, well...
What are you gonna do?
I don't know.
What are you gonna do?
So, you guys going to the homecoming dance?
I beg your pardon?
That's funny.
, right? That's funny.It's a joke
my dad's kinda making me go.
Your dad's making you go to the dance?
Man, what's that all about?
Who's your dad... Hitler?
I just thought maybe you guys were gonna go...
To make fun of people.
That could be kinda funny, right?
I would go,
but I have a prior engagement.
My cousin just sent me a bunch of mushrooms,
and I'm gonna eat them.
Look, you know they're gonna play disco.
Right? Disco sucks. I hate disco.
♪ ooh ooh ♪
♪ coo-coo coo coo-coo ♪
I'd rather make out with Principal Farber.
Ooh, again.
Shut up, man.
Ow.
What, what? Oh! My God, man.
Oh!
I can't wait till you're not paying attention.
Get outta here!
Check it out. What's she want?
Lindsay?
Linds.
Friend of yours... Linds?
I'll be right back, ok?
Ok.
Millie, what are you doing out here?
What are you doing out here?
This place is for freaks.
Millie, go away.
Today's the deadline
to enter the academic decathlon.
Mr. Rosso said you didn't turn in your application.
What?
Millie, I'm not entering.
But you're our best math-lete.
Could we not talk about this right now?
Lindsay, what's wrong with you?
There's nothing wrong with me.
I just don't want to do decathlon this year.
Well, aren't you at least going to help us
sell refreshments at the homecoming dance?
We're trying to raise money
to buy the school a computer.
Shh!
Gentlemen, here's my advice.
Listen to Neal.
You should handle Alan
the same way Han Solo dealt with Jabba the Hut.
Avoid him.
Just avoid him forever?
Just for 4 years.
Sam. There's Cindy Sanders.
Dream on, Sam.
Oh, man.
Uh-oh, incoming.
Hey, Sam, I've been looking all over for you.
Is this your jacket?
Yeah.
You left it in science. I didn't want it to get all dirty.
Oh, thanks, Cindy.
That was really nice of you.
Yeah, well, I'll see you later.
Sam.
You are so in.
What?
She brought you your jacket.
That means...
She saw it,
she remembered it was yours,
she picked it up and carried it through the halls.
People probably saw her with it and everything.
I wonder if she has a date for the dance.
Cindy Sanders is in love with you, man.
You really think Cindy likes me?
Hello? The jacket.
No way. We're not her species.
Listen, just do me a favor.
Ask around. See if she has a date for the dance.
Who should I ask?
Ok. The dance is tomorrow.
She's a cheerleader.
You've seen Star Wars 27 times.
Do the math.
I know, but my dad always tells me
'cause guys are too afraid to ask them.
Really? Maybe I should ask out
Farrah Fawcett - majors.
Hey, maybe I should ask out bill's mom.
You better not.
Listen, just ask around, ok?
Don't even think about it.
Get outta the way.
Hey. Chemistry exam you ordered.
All right. Good job.
Where are the answers?
You just said to steal the test.
Oh, good work, genius.
Way to use your brain.
What?
I'm cutting. Who's got gum?
Sorry.
Oh, yeah, that's real great.
Why don't you blow your nose in some bread
and make me a sandwich, too?
Why is everyone crawling up my butt today?
'Cause you're a moron.
Hey, Kim, I got some.
What's she doing here?
Uh, she's our friend.
What, are you doing her
so that she'll help you with your math homework?
Hey, lay off.
Um, Kim, I...
I wasn't talking to you, brain.
Don't you have a test to take or something?
Hey, would you be cool?
I mean, please.
Did I do something to you?
You're here.
Kim.
I have as much right to be here as you do.
Hey, brain,
I shoplift in your daddy's store.
You're just some rich kid
who's trying to piss off her parents.
You think that's gonna make you cool?
I don't know what to tell you.
You know what?
I'm sorry.
Let's be friends.
Hey.
There. Now we're friends. See you at the mall.
What are you, on your period?
Hey, you wanna hang around with your little poser friend here
and pretend with her,
that's your waste of time,
just keep her the hell away from me.
That is exactly why I don't carry a purse.
I gotta get to shop class.
It's the only one I can pass.
Here. I'm sorry.
Don't you have to get to class, too?
Oh. I'll survive.
These shorts aren't very flattering, are they?
No, you look good.
Thanks.
Hey, how come your sister's dressing so weird now?
What do you mean?
I don't know.
I mean, she's been wearing your dad's army jacket.
I don't know.
She's been acting weird ever since our grandma died.
You're dead, weird!
Alan?
What?
What's the point of all this?
The point?
The point is, you're dead, too...
"Little man."
I kind of wish I didn't come to school today.
Hi. Would you, uh,
would you come to the homecoming dance with me?
Um, I would, but, um,
I already have a date,
so I can't.
Sorry.
Will you go to homecoming dance with me?
Eli. What?
Where?
Oh, I'll get it.
What's the matter with you?
You jerk.
I'm sorry. Didn't mean to upset your husband.
Oh, yeah? What if he was my husband?
That'd be some kind of joke to you?
It's no joke to me.
I think you two make a good couple.
Yeah?
Maybe we do.
Hey, Eli.
Do you want to go to the homecoming dance with me?
Yes. Yes, I do.
Yeah, please.
Yeah. I will go.
Good.
Come on, Eli.
All right, fellas,
I just wanna let you know
that in honor of the big homecoming game tomorrow,
I'm gonna give you guys the day off.
Can we go home?
Schweiber, don't be an idiot, all right?
I mean, we're gonna do something fun.
I'm gonna let you guys...
Play dodge ball.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Oh, man.
Oh, no.
Oh, my God!
All right.
Come on, guys, let's go.
Would somebody please tell me
what's supposed to be fun about this?
If we just let ourselves get hit,
then we can get out.
Let's just pretend to get hit.
Nobody'd know.
I don't think we can.
Ladies, put down the mascara,
get in there, and play. Come on.
Very nice.
I can't take it, man.
I gotta get out of here.
Look! "Little man's" making a run for it.
Hey, only my mom's allowed to call me that.
Uh!
Ohh!
Ow.
Oh!
Ok. Now it's time to smear Weir.
Sam! Get away from me!
We need to stick together.
Are you crazy?
Hey, kid!
Ohh!
Yeah!
Oh, my God!
Uhh!
Yeah!
Solomon. Hey, hey.
Hey, that's illegal. You're out of there.
All right, Schweiber, come on, walk it off.
Sit down, you knucklehead.
There's nowhere to hide, weird.
Kid, get away from us.
That psycho's after you.
Pick 'em up and throw 'em.
That's the way.
Nice throw, wuss.
He caught my ball.
I'm out.
Ha ha! Yeah!
Ohh!
Go, Tim, go!
Oh, my God!
Ha ha ha!
All right, white, take a seat.
Come on, Weir, throw it back.
Catch it. Come on.
Dodge ball's kind of a stupid game, isn't it?
You just signed your death warrant.
Man, that chick digs you, I'm telling you.
She likes me?
Yes!
That's really great.
Hey, so, Eli.
What?
That Jimmy Carter,
he's some president, right?
He's been doing a helluva job.
Oh, he's doing a helluva job.
Hey, but I gotta say,
I'm a little concerned about his handling of the economy.
I mean, aren't you?
I'm a little concerned.
Maybe.
Maybe I'm a little... I'm a little concerned.
Come on. Come on, Eli. Give him a break.
Look what he's done in the middle east.
The middle east.
The middle...
The middle of the east.
I bet you'd make a good president, Eli.
President Eli?
Yeah.
Ok. President Eli!
President Eli!
Hey, you guys, cut it out.
Leave him alone.
What? We've having a political discussion here.
Political.
Eli, you don't have to talk to them.
They're just being mean.
No. They're my buddies.
They're my buddies.
We're his buddies.
Ain't that right, Mr. president?
No, they're not, Eli.
I'm making them laugh.
Buddies. I'm making...
Not this way.
There's a good kind of laughing and a bad kind of laughing.
This is bad.
Eli, they're only laughing at you
because you're retarded.
I'm not retarded. I'm special.
I'm special.
Eli, you are special.
I'm sorry. I know you're special.
They're being mean to you.
I'm not retarded.
Ok.
I'm sorry.
No! No!
I'm not retarded! I am special!
I don't wanna go to dance with you!
I'm sorry.
Oh, my God.
And I'm the mean one? How does that work?
So... What's going on here?
All I...
I was trying to do something nice
in a stupid school where nothing nice ever happens,
but instead Eli broke his arm and...
Now I feel like the biggest idiot in the world.
No. Why aren't you taking part
in the academic decathlon?
What?
We need you.
You're our best math-lete.
Oh, God, please don't say that word.
You havin' some problems at home?
No, I'm not.
Is it a boy?
No.
Hey, you can tell me.
I know it seems square to actually talk to your guidance counselor,
but I was a kid once, too, and not that long ago.
Mr. Rosso, there's nothing to tell.
Trust me.
Ok.
I see the problem here.
Let's just rap...
As people, ok?
No pressure.
From now on, I'm not "Mr. Rosso, guidance counselor."
You're not?
No.
I'm just Jeff, your friend who cares.
Jeff.
Exactly.
And you're not "Ms. Weir, high school student."
You're Lindsay, a girl who seems like she needs a friend.
So, come on, Linds.
Talk to your buddy Jeff.
Jeff...
I've never felt better in all my life.
Well, then maybe someone should tell your face.
Ahh, yes, interesting problem.
Freshman bullies.
He's obviously acting out his insecurities
in a new environment.
If you can disconnect emotionally, it's really quite sad.
In his own way, he's reaching out for a friend.
Not that you should feel sorry for him, though.
His kind should be destroyed.
So what do we do?
I would recommend the cressman conundrum.
What the hell is that?
Tom Cressman... My freshman tormentor.
The idea was, if you fight your bully,
afterwards, whether you win or lose,
they'll tend to leave you alone.
Did it work?
He broke my tailbone, but the results were effective.
He got expelled.
It's a good plan.
It's a terrible plan, ok?
I'm not fighting Alan. He's not my tormentor.
I know every route he takes to each class, and I avoid those halls.
It's that simple.
Start leaving out the janitor's door like I do.
Are you lookin' for a fight, dork?!
No, sir.
Well, you're gonna get one!
Unh...
Tell me about this stupid Cressman conundrum.
♪ what you gonna do when the time comes ♪
♪ and you have to earn your way? ♪
♪ what will you... ♪
hey, are you, uh... Are you, uh, are you ok?
Is it just me or does the whole world suck?
♪ when you're finally on your own ♪
after class, you and me are cuttin' outta here.
Cutting?
Yeah. Yeah!
I got something to show you that...
It's gonna make you feel better.
Most of the professions are occu...
I guess the first thing that we gotta do
is get him on the ground.
How are we supposed to do that?
Cut his legs off?
Should I wear a cup for this?
That's between you and your God, bill.
Hey, geek.
You got a problem?
Uh... No. I was...
I was just looking at a friend of mine.
Are you telling me that I look like a friend of yours?
Hey, Kim, I think he likes you.
Is that true? Do you like me?
Do you love me?
Uh... I like you like a friend.
I don't think so.
I think you like me like me.
I think you want to kiss me.
Do you want to kiss me?
Uh, I don't know.
Come on.
Just one little kiss.
I'll be your girlfriend.
In your dreams, geek.
Maybe we should get her to beat up Alan.
Go.
Eh heh...
Wait for me, man.
Be prepared to have your mind blown.
Check it out, man.
That's, uh, 14 mounted Toms,
8 floor Toms, 4 splashes, 2 gongs,
10 cowbells, 4 rides, 5 snares, man...
A roto-tom rack, and it's all mounted
on my infamous quadruple kick drum system.
6 more pieces, I've got a bigger kit than Neal Peart from rush.
Yeah!
That's great, Nick.
Look, these teachers... These teachers want us to work, ya know?
And I say, "fine. I'll work,
but you've gotta let me do the kind of work that I wanna do."
And for me, Lindsay, it's...
It's my drum kit, man.
This is my passion, ya know?
This is... This is the essence of who I am now.
But before I had this, I was lost, too.
You see what I'm sayin'?
You need to find your reason for... For living. I mean...
You gotta find your big, gigantic drum kit, ya know?
Hey, maybe I'll buy a clarinet.
Yeah.
If you're not going to the dance,
I thought you could come over to my house.
A bunch of guys who play a guitar are gonna come over.
We're just, uh... I don't know.
We're gonna try playing Dark Side of the Moon or somethin'.
Just tell your dad you went.
I can't lie to my dad.
Really?
Yeah.
Ok.
Why don't you tell your dad that you got a date?
No. Listen...
I'll put on a suit, all right?
I'll come pick you up,
talk nice to your dad,
and then I'll take you to the school,
and we can walk up to the door of the dance,
and then we can take off.
That way you can tell your dad you went. You wouldn't be lyin'.
You'd really do that?
Absolutely.
Ahem.
Hello there!
Hello, Jeff.
Guess who's in trouble?
Here's the deal:
If you take part in the academic decathlon,
I'll forget this ever happened.
You're forcing me to be a math-lete?
That is so not fair.
The world is not black and white.
It's gray.
And I really think it'd be good for you.
Jeff...
I really can't do that.
Fine,ms. Weir.
Then maybe it's time for some tough love.
How about I, uh, call your parents,
and I let them know that their daughter's
turning into a burnout who skips class?
No.
And you know what?
I can't make you be a math-lete,
but I can make you work the refreshment table
at the homecoming dance.
I'll see ya Saturday at 7:00.
You know who used to cut class?
Jimi Hendrix.
You know what happened to him?
He died, choking on his own vomit.
Daddy, I skipped Latin.
Oh, well, I can understand why you wouldn't want to learn about that.
It's only the building block of our language.
Well, I'm just glad your grandmother wasn't alive
to hear about this.
You can't cut corners in life!
You know who cut corners?
Kennedy.
Kennedy cut corners when he was running the bay of pigs.
A lot of good men lost their lives because of it.
You know who else cut corners?
Janis Joplin.
Dad!
What are you talking about?
You don't make any sense!
I just cut class, and, guess what?
Everybody's still alive.
Just leave me alone!
You understand what I'm saying, don't ya, Sam?
Y-yeah.
Good.
Pass the rolls.
Um... Do you want me to come... Can I come in?
Do you think that me, Neal, and bill could beat up Alan?
Just Alan?
Yeah.
Alan and his buddies?
Mmm... No to maybe.
Yeah. That's what I thought.
Um, why are you throwing your life away?
Did dad tell you to ask me that?
No.
Millie did.
Ahh...
That figures.
Forget it.
You know, tell her to mind her own business.
You know, just because she asked me to ask you
doesn't mean I was gonna tell her what you said.
Doesn't mean I was gonna tell her what you said.
Sam?
Did mom and dad ever tell you
that I was the only one with grandma when she died?
That I was the only one with grandma when she died?
No.
Yeah.
I went down to the cafeteria to get some coffee...
And all of a sudden, grandma looked so terrified.
I didn't know what to do.
She grabbed my hand and told me she didn't want to go.
She looked so scared, Sam.
So I said, "well, you know,
can you see God or heaven or a light or anything?"
What did she say?
"No.
There's nothing."
She was a good person all her life, and that's what she got.
So...
You do think that we could beat up Alan?
Yeah.
He's a goner.
♪ oh, mama, I'm in fear for my life ♪
♪ from the long arm of the law ♪
♪ lawman has put an end to my runnin' ♪
♪ and I'm so far from my home ♪
♪ oh, mama, I can hear you a-cryin' ♪
♪ you're so scared... ♪
oh, man, where's Sam?
It's almost 3:00. Alan's gonna be here.
I'll bet he forgot his math book. I'm sure he's coming.
All right.
Colin!
You came to help us?
No way. I just came to watch.
It should be exciting.
Uh, because we're gonna win?
Either way.
Oh, man, where's Sam?
Sam.
I can't talk. Gotta fight Alan.
Hi, Sam.
Oh, hi, Cindy.
Where's Sam? It's 3:00.
Oh, ok.
So now don't let Alan
hit any of your pressure points
because if he does,
you're not gonna feel anything,
but you'll drop dead in 3 days.
But you'll drop dead in 3 days.
Oh, man, my stomach hurts.
Bill, you'll be fine.
No, it really hurts.
I think I should go home.
This is how Houdini died.
Oh, you should always guard your face
because if the other guy hits you in the nose,
it could drive the nose bone into your brain.
Then you'll release your bowels and die.
Shut up, would ya?
No. He's right.
There are a lot of ways to die in a fight.
Maybe we should put this off.
Hey, there's Sam.
Sam!
Sam! Stop it.
Stop it, you moron.
That's not Sam. It's Alan.
What?
So, um, what are you doin'
just goin' home. How about you?
I'm cheering at the game.
Oh.
Well...
You're dressed for it.
Ha ha ha!
What are you losers doin' on my street?
Nothing.
We're kind of here to beat you up.
Bill!
Well, we are.
Are you?
He's just... He's kidding.
I'm not talkin' to you, dork! Heh heh.
Heh heh. What are you laughin' at, pinhead?
Oh, I'm just here to watch.
Oh, really?
Well, watch this.
Ah!
You are so dead.
Ah!
Well, um, I gotta get out there.
I'll see ya.
All right. See ya.
Hey, Cindy?
Yeah?
I was wondering, um...
Do, uh...
You wanna piece of me? I'll kill you!
Bring it on.
Um...
Do you wanna go to the homecoming dance with me?
Well, I'm already going with Dan Lewis.
He asked me 2 weeks ago.
Oh, ok. I mean... Yeah.
I just thought I would ask
just in case you didn't have anyone to go with.
Well, um...
I gotta get out there, so I'll see ya.
Oh, if you're there, I'll save a dance for you.
Ok.
See ya.
That could be good.
Get off me, you psychos!
Unh! Ah!
You ripped my shirt.
You're gonna buy me a new shirt!
You guys are all dead, man! Really dead!
I got punched in the nose, but... But I'm still alive.
I guess the nose bone must have missed my brain.
Yeah. My stomach doesn't hurt anymore.
Mine does.
Did you see me?
I was taunting him.
He was terrified.
Did you see me?
I had his arms. Totally shut him down.
I had his shoes.
Wait a minute.
You guys fought Alan?
No. We got hit by a car.
Listen, I'm so sorry.
I was talkin' to Cindy.
You really stood up for me.
You should see how he looks.
We tore his shirt.
Yeah.
So what'd she say?
She's got a date.
She's saving a dance for me.
So you're goin'.
Yeah.
You've gotta slow dance.
Yeah. Definitely slow.
Thanks.
You know, I'll be there the next time.
Oh, God, I hope there's not a next time.
♪ I'm ♪
♪ sailing away ♪
♪ set an open course ♪
♪ for the virgin sea... ♪
look, uh, I know you're not happy about this,
but don't make me the bad guy here.
♪ got to be free ♪
if the worst thing in your life
is somebody makes you go to a dance,
then I'd say you have a pretty good life.
♪ that's ahead of me ♪
d * on board, I'm a captain d
♪ so climb aboard ♪
♪ we'll search for tomorrow ♪
♪ on every shore ♪
♪ and I'll try ♪
♪ oh, lord, I'll try ♪
♪ to carry on ♪
♪ I look to the sea... ♪
hi, Cindy.
Hey, Sam.
I was wondering, um...
You said you'd save a dance for me,
so can I have it now?
♪ some happy, some sad ♪
I mean, if you're not busy?
I'm not busy.
♪ of childhood friends ♪
♪ and the dreams we had ♪
♪ ♪ we lived happily forever
♪ so the story goes ♪
♪ but somehow we missed out ♪
♪ on the pot of gold ♪
♪ but we'll try ♪
♪ best that we can ♪
♪ to carry on ♪
[tempo of song picks up]
[Tempo of song picks up]
Come on, Sam.
♪ a gathering of angels ♪
♪ appeared above my head ♪
♪ they sang to me this song of hope ♪
♪ and this is what they said ♪
♪ they said ♪
♪ come sail away ♪
♪ come sail away with me, lads ♪
♪ come sail away ♪
♪ come sail away with me ♪
♪ come sail away ♪
♪ come sail away... ♪
what are you thinking about, Lindsay?
I think I'm gonna dance with Eli.
I'll be right back, Jeff.
Uh, Linds?
Maybe you should start calling me Mr. Rosso again.
♪ I thought that they were angels ♪
♪ but to my surprise ♪
♪ you climbed aboard their starship ♪
♪ we headed for the skies ♪
♪ come sail away ♪
Now, that's the perfect couple.
I mean, they got some chemistry... Ow!
Shut up!
What did I do?
♪ sail away with me ♪
♪ come sail away ♪
♪ come sail away with me ♪
♪ come sail away ♪
♪ come sail away with me ♪
♪ come sail away ♪
♪ come sail away with me ♪
♪ come sail away ♪
♪ come sail away with me ♪
♪ come sail away ♪
♪ come sail away with me ♪
Jean: HEY, LINDSAY, HOW'D YOU LIKE
TO GO BUY SOME NEW CLOTHES AT THE MALL?
THOSE OLD JEANS ARE LOOKING PRETTY RAGGED.
NO, THANKS, MOM. I LIKE MY JEANS.
DAD'S THE ONE WHO CAN USE SOME PANTS.
WHO AM I TRYING TO IMPRESS?
WHEN ITS YOUR HOUSE, YOU CAN WEAR A TUXEDO TO BREAKFAST.
HONEY, I CALLED MRS. AMENDELLA.
SHE'S GONNA STAY WITH YOU KIDS
WHILE DADDY AND I ARE IN CHICAGO.
MOM, NO. WE DON'T NEED A BABY-SITTER.
I CAN TAKE CARE OF SAM.
I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.
OH, YEAH, THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
I CAN JUST SEE YOU GUYS EATING CANDY FOR BREAKFAST
AND DRAWING PICTURES ON THE WALLS.
HOW OLD DO YOU THINK WE ARE, DAD?
I'VE BEEN BABY-SITTING FOR THE KELLERS FOR 2 YEARS ALREADY.
YEAH, BUT THAT'S FOR THEIR KIDS.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE THEY ARE
A LITTLE OLD FOR A BABY-SITTER.
MAYBE THEY'RE READY, HONEY.
WELL, FINE.
MRS. AMENDELLA MAKES THE HOUSE SMELL LIKE AN OLD LADY ANYWAY.
[LAUGHS] I HEAR PETER LEMENGELLO
IS PLAYING THE CLOSING NIGHT GALA.
MM-MMM, PAUL ANKA.
OOH, PAUL ANKA. CAN I COME?
YEAH, I GUESS YOU'D PREFER IF WE LISTEN
TO THAT PUNK ROCK MUSIC I'VE BEEN READING ABOUT.
YOU KNOW THOSE SEX PISTOLS? THEY SPIT ON THEIR AUDIENCE.
AH, THAT'S TERRIBLE.
YEP, THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO DO.
SPEND MY HARD-EARNED MONEY TO BE SPIT ON.
NOW THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT.
OH, COME ON, DAD.
EVERY GENERATION IS AFRAID OF THE MUSIC THAT COMES FROM THE NEXT.
WELL, I'M SURE YOUR PARENTS HATED ELVIS.
ELVIS DIDN'T EXPECTORATE ON HIS FANS.
NO, BUT HE DIED ON THE TOILET.
WELL, THAT'S PARADISE COMPARED TO WHERE THOSE SEX PISTOLS ARE GONNA END UP.
dd I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT MY REPUTATION dd
dd LIVING IN THE PAST, IT'S A NEW GENERATION dd
dd GO AND DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO dd
dd AND THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO dd
dd AND I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT MY BAD REPUTATION dd
dd OH, NO dd dd NO, NO, NO, NO dd
dd NOT ME dd dd ME, ME, ME, ME d d
dd WOW dd dd NO, NO, NO, NO dd
dd YEAH, ME dd dd ME, ME, ME, ME, ME dd
dd I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT MY REPUTATION dd
dd I'VE NEVER BEEN AFRAID OF ANY DEVIATION dd
dd AND I DON'T REALLY CARE IF YOU THINK I'M STRANGE dd
dd I AIN'T GONNA CHANGE dd
dd AND I'M NEVER GONNA CARE ABOUT MY BAD REPUTATION dd
dd NOT ME dd
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY DREAMWORKS TELEVISION, L.L.C.
HEY, LINDSAY.
HEY.
HEY, NICK.
OH, HEY. WHAT'S UP?
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
UM, JOHN BONHAM DIED, YOU KNOW.
YEAH, I KNOW. LAST WEEK.
HE'S DEAD. YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE, HE'S DEAD.
AND AS A RESULT, THERE'S NO MORE LED ZEPPELIN.
WELL, WHY DON'T THEY JUST GET A NEW DRUMMER?
WHAT, ARE YOU...?
LET'S JUST FORGET IT.
NO. WHAT YOU GOT TO DO IS LOOK FOR SOMETHING IN THE STORE
THAT'S EXPENSIVE BUT LOOKS REALLY CHEAP.
AND THEN YOU SWITCH PRICE TAGS
WITH SOMETHING THAT IS REALLY CHEAP.
THEN YOU GOTTA PUT THE ORIGINAL BACK ON IT
AND RETURN IT FOR STORE CREDIT.
THAT'S HOW I GOT THIS JACKET.
10 BUCKS THIS THING COST ME.
OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL. CLEARLY WORTH ALL THE EFFORT.
[CHUCKLES]
MY DAD CAUGHT A SHOPLIFTER ONCE.
AND HE HAD TO LOCK HIM IN THE STORE, AND THEN THE COPS CAME.
WELL, MY DAD SAYS SHOPLIFTERS COST HIM A FORTUNE.
HEY, IF I OWNED YOUR STORE,
I CAUGHT SOME LITTLE KID SHOPLIFTING,
I'D JUST TAKE HIM OUT BACK,
AND I'D DEAL WITH IT.
OH, WOULD YOU, MR. TOUGH MAN?
YEAH, I WOULD, MRS. TOUGH MAN.
[LAUGHS] OH, LIKE THAT TIME WHEN JOHN ERGNER KICKED YOUR ASS?
LIKE--LIKE THAT?
DO YOU MIND FLAPPING YOUR LIPS SOMEWHERE ELSE?
YOU SMELL.
HEY, WHAT, DID YOU GUYS BREAK UP OR SOMETHING?
NO, WE DIDN'T BREAK UP.
I DUMPED HIS LOSER ASS.
OH, IS THAT WHAT HAPPENED?
OK, IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER.
[MUMBLING] DO YOU GUYS WANNA--
HEY, DOES ANYBODY WANT TO COME SEE THE WALLWITH ME
ON SATURDAY NIGHT? THOUGHT I MIGHT TRY AN EXPERIMENT,
SEE IT STRAIGHT ONCE. I DON'T KNOW.
DON'T DO IT. YOU'LL REGRET IT, MAN. TRUST ME.
WELL, I WOULD, BUT MY PARENTS ARE GOING OUT OF TOWN,
AND I HAVE TO WATCH MY LITTLE BROTHER.
UH, MAYBE WE COULD ALL HANG OUT AT YOUR HOUSE.
[LIGHT VOICE] KEGGER.
KEGGER, [FAKES COUGH] KEGGER.
[KIM LAUGHS]
YOU MEAN LIKE A PARTY?
YEAH, RIGHT.
LINDSAY'S TOO LAME TO LET ANYONE ENTER
HER PRECIOUS LITTLE HOUSE.
SURE. WHY NOT?
[LAUGHS]
I LIKE PARTIES.
GREAT. WHO'S THE TOO-LAME ONE?
[SIGH] UP YOURS.
BYE.
OK, GUYS, 10 BUCKS EACH FOR THE KEG.
COME ON. YOU, TOO.
NO, LINDSAY, LINDSAY, PLEASE.
HOUSE DRINKS FREE.
WHY DOES SHE HANG OUT WITH THOSE GUYS?
I DON'T KNOW.
WHY DON'T YOU GO OVER THERE AND ASK HER?
THEY'RE GONNA RUIN HER LIFE.
IF YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL,
THEN YOU WON'T GET INTO A GOOD COLLEGE,
THEN YOU'LL HAVE NO FUTURE,
AND YOU'LL WIND UP DEAD OR IN JAIL.
REALLY?
WERE YOU ASLEEP DURING SCARED STRAIGHT?
YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH LINDSAY.
ACK, I AM NOT. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
WHY ARE YOU GETTING SO MAD?
I'M NOT! WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?
BECAUSE YOU HAVE YOUR BOOK IN FRONT OF YOUR PANTS.
OH, SHUT UP. JERK.
I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH HER. I JUST CARE ABOUT HER
BECAUSE SHE'S MY GOOD FRIEND'S SISTER.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD ASK YOURSELF WHY YOU DON'T CARE.
I CA--COME ON, YOU KNOW I CARE.
SAM.
HEY, SAM, I'M HAVING A KEG PARTY TOMORROW NIGHT.
YOU ARE?
YEAH, SO YOU CAN'T TELL MOM AND DAD.
WELL...
WHAT IF YOUR FRIENDS TRASH OUR HOUSE?
MY FRIENDS AREN'T GONNA TRASH THE HOUSE.
I'LL HAVE PLENTY OF TIME TO CLEAN UP BEFORE MOM AND DAD GET BACK.
MMM, WHAT IF DAD FINDS OUT?
WELL, THAT'S MY PROBLEM. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
NO, NO, IT'S NOT,
BECAUSE DAD WILL YELL AT ME
FOR NOT TELLING ON YOU.
ARE YOU GONNA TELL ON ME?
I GUESS NOT.
THANKS, SAM. SEE YOU LATER.
GIVE ME YOUR KEYS, MAN. YOU'RE DRUNK.
I'M NOT DRUNK. GET OUT OF MY WAY, I'M FINE.
NO, YOU'RE NOT, AND I'M NOT GOING TO DRIVE WITH YOU.
I DON'T CARE.
IF YOU TRY TO DRIVE LIKE THAT,
I'M GONNA CALL THE POLICE.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY FRIEND.
HE IS YOUR FRIEND, DAISY.
WHO ARE YOU?
I'M THE DESIGNATED DRIVER.
I MADE A PLEDGE NOT TO DRINK AT THIS PARTY
SO I CAN HELP PEOPLE LIKE YOU GET HOME SAFELY.
Millie: THAT'S COOL.
I SHOULD HAVE DONE THAT.
THAT DESIGNATED DRIVER'S PRETTY HOT.
LIKE TO GET HER DRUNK.
IF YOU DRIVE RIGHT NOW, YOU'RE NOT ONLY A DANGER TO YOURSELF,
BUT YOU'RE A DANGER TO EVERYONE ELSE ON THE ROAD.
YOU'RE LIKE A LOADED GUN.
[SOBS] I DIDN'T WANT TO HURT ANYONE.
[LAUGHS]
WHAT DO YOU SAY? WILL YOU GIVE ME YOUR KEYS?
AND FREEZE!
LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE SOBER STUDENTS IMPROV PLAYERS.
[APPLAUSE]
THAT WAS A GOOD EXAMPLE OF HOW TO PREVENT A TRAGEDY.
BUT THERE'S AN EVEN BETTER WAY TO SAVE LIVES,
AND THAT'S NOT TO DRINK...
KEN'S GOT THE RIGHT IDEA.
IN THE FIRST PLACE. AND, HEY, JUST 'CAUSE YOUR PARENTS
OR OTHER ADULTS DRINK DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO.
NOW, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING:
"MR. ROSSO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
IF I DON'T DRINK, I WON'T BE COOL."
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT I SAY TO THAT?
MAYBE IF YOU DON'T DRINK, YOU WILL BE COOL.
AND RIGHT NOW OUR THESPIANS,
MILLIE, CINDY, AND HARRIS,
WILL SHOW YOU HOW YOU CAN STAY SOBER AND STILL BE COOL.
OK, WHAT I NEED FROM YOU PEOPLE
IS A KIND OF PARTY WHERE DRINKING MIGHT OCCUR.
A KIND OF PARTY.
A SEX PARTY.
[LAUGHTER]
ALL RIGHT, I THINK I HEARD SOMEONE SAY "BIRTHDAY PARTY."
UM, OK, YOU'RE AT A BIRTHDAY PARTY AND...GO.
HEY, MARY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
OH, THANK YOU, BOB.
HOW'S IT GOING?
GOOD. YOU DID A REALLY NICE JOB DECORATING HERE.
YOU KNOW IF ANYONE HERE HAS ANY COCAINE?
[LAUGHTER]
NO. COKE DOES DAMAGE TO YOUR BRAIN.
I THINK I CAN HAVE COKE WHENEVER I WANT,
BUT I CAN ONLY WATCH YOU OPEN YOUR PRESENTS NOW.
OH, THANK YOU, BOB. THAT'S VERY SWEET.
I KNEW YOU'D LIKE...
WANNA GET OUT OF HERE?
SURE.
OK. I'M GONNA GO. COUNT TO 10, THEN COME.
Harris: THIS IS THE BEST BIRTHDAY EVER.
OK, LET'S HAVE CAKE.
OK. COME ON, LET'S GO GET A GLASS OF POP.
I HOPE THEY HAVE ORANGE.
HEY, IT'S A PARTY, ISN'T IT?
AND FREEZE.
AS YOU CAN SEE, NOTHING IS MORE CONTAGIOUS
THAN GOOD JUDGMENT.
THANKS, GANG. JIMMY, LIGHTS.
BUT IF YOU STILL THINK DRINKING IS COOL...
WHY NOT ASK JENNY POWELL IF DRINKING IS COOL.
WELL, YOU CAN'T ASK HER.
SHE CRASHED INTO A PHONE POLE THIS WINTER
DRIVING DRUNK AFTER A NEW YEAR'S PARTY.
AND YOU CAN'T ASK JOHN YABLONSKI EITHER.
HE DIED FROM ALCOHOL POISONING AT A FRATERNITY PARTY.
I LOVE BEING TOLD NOT TO DRINK
BY A POTHEAD HIPPIE GUIDANCE COUNSELOR.
THERE'S PROBABLY A BAR IN THE TEACHER'S LOUNGE.
YEAH, PROBABLY.
HEY, STROKER. HEY.
10 BUCKS FOR THE KEG.
I KNOW. DON'T WEASEL OUT ON ME.
I'LL CUT THAT HAIR OFF AND I'LL SELL IT.
OH, HEY, UM, I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND. I INVITED MY COUSIN
AND A COUPLE OF HIS FRIENDS TO THE PARTY.
OH, THAT'S COOL. WHAT GRADE ARE THEY IN?
NO GRADE. THEY'RE OLDER.
OH. COOL.
RIGHT ON.
WE GOT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR SISTER'S PARTY.
WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? IT'S JUST BEER.
YEAH, BEER AT A FREAK PARTY?
MY COUSIN'S FRIEND WAS AT A FREAK PARTY ONCE,
AND SOMEONE PUT ANGEL DUST IN HER DRINK.
OH, MAN.
WE GOTTA GO. TO PROTECT LINDSAY.
OH, I CAN'T. UM,DALLASIS ON.
WHAT? BILL, DALLASSUCKS.
YOU SUCK. DALLASRULES.
FACE IT, YOU'RE JUST GONNA LET LINDSAY END UP
LIKE ONE OF THOSE PICTURES.
FINE, I'LL GO. BUT I'M WATCHING DALLASTHERE.
[GIRLS LAUGH]
I WAS JUST JOKING. I DON'T-- I DON'T WATCHDALLAS.
THE HOT WATER HEATER MAKES THAT FUNNY NOISE, CALL THE GAS COMPANY.
I DON'T WANT TO COME HOME TO A COUPLE OF DEAD KIDS.
THERE'S 50 BUCKS ON THE DINING ROOM TABLE. THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH.
LINDSAY, YOU'RE IN CHARGE OF IT.
OK.
IT'S NOT FOR THOSE STAR WARSCARDS OR THOSE GOOFY PACKS.
WACKY PACKS.
AH, WHATEVER. DON'T BLOW IT.
Jean: HEY, LINDSAY, COME HERE, SWEETIE.
YEAH?
OK, NOW, THIS IS DINNER FOR FRIDAY NIGHT.
THIS IS LUNCH AND DINNER FOR SATURDAY.
IF YOU NEED ANYTHING ELSE, DADDY LEFT $50 ON THE DINING ROOM TABLE, OK?
Harold: OK, LET'S GO.
I WANT TO GET THERE BEFORE THE WELCOME MIXER.
ALL RIGHT, AND TURN OUT THE LIGHTS WHEN YOU GO OUT.
I'M NOT MADE OF MONEY.
WAIT.
Harold: WHAT IS IT?
HAVE A GOOD TRIP.
OHH. THANKS.
WE'LL BE BACK SUNDAY NIGHT. DON'T DO ANYTHING STUPID.
[LAUGHS] I LOVE YOU. BYE-BYE. HAVE FUN, GUYS.
BYE. LOVE YOU. BYE.
ALL RIGHT.
UM, AT ASSEMBLY TODAY,
THEY DID THESE IMPROVISATIONS ABOUT DRINKING AND DRIVING.
IT'S PRETTY FUNNY.
YEAH, I SAW. THAT'S WHY I LEFT.
WELL, AT ASSEMBLY TODAY,
THEY SHOWED THESE PICTURES OF THESE KIDS
WHO DIED IN DRUNK DRIVING ACCIDENTS.
DID YOU KNOW ANY OF THEM?
NO.
WELL, ONE OF THEIR MOMS TALKED.
SHE WAS PRETTY SAD. IT KIND OF FREAKED EVERYBODY OUT.
OH, AND AT ASSEMBLY TODAY,
IT SAID THAT IF YOU DRINK TOO MUCH IN ONE NIGHT
YOU CAN DIE OF ALCOHOL POISONING.
SAM, YOU SOUND LIKE DAD.
I JUST DON'T KNOW WHY YOU HAVE TO HAVE BEER AT YOUR PARTY, THAT'S ALL.
I MEAN, YOU'VE NEVER HAD BEER
AT ANY OF YOUR OTHER PARTIES AND THEY WERE FUN.
WELL, THOSE WERE BIRTHDAY PARTIES, SAM. WE WENT BOWLING.
YEAH, WELL, REMEMBER THE PARTY WHERE YOU HAD A MAGICIAN?
THAT WAS FUN. WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A MAGICIAN?
WE ARE NOT HAVING A MAGI--WHY AM I TALKING TO YOU?
I'M IN CHARGE. LEAVE ME ALONE.
LEAVEMEALONE.
IF "F" IS A DIFFERENTIABLE FUNCTION OF "X,"
AND "C" IS A REAL NUMBER, THEN...
[WHISPERS] PARTY.
PARTY.
[KNOCKS AT DOOR]
CAN I HELP YOU, MISS?
YEAH, THERE'S, UM, AN EMERGENCY PHONE CALL FOR LINDSAY WEIR.
IT'S HER MOM.
OH, OK. LINDSAY. GO AHEAD.
COME ON, LET'S GO.
OK, PEOPLE, BACK ON ME. COME ON. THE SHOW'S OVER.
DID THEY SAY WHAT'S WRONG?
THEY DIDN'T TELL ME ANYTHING.
HEY, LINDSAY.
NOT NOW, THERE'S SOME EMERGENCY WITH MY PARENTS.
NO, NO, LINDSAY. LINDSAY, NO, NO, NO.
I KNOW. THEY WANT-- THEY WANT YOU TO COME WITH THEM TO BUY A KEG.
WHAT?
HEY, THANKS A LOT, SARA.
NO PROBLEM. SEE YOU AT THE PARTY TONIGHT.
ALL RIGHT. THAT'S A CUTE NECKLACE.
UM, WE'RE CUTTING.
DANIEL IS PAYING HIS BROTHER 20 BUCKS
AND HE'S GONNA BUY US A KEG.
EVERYBODY'S WAITING OUT AT THE CAR,
SO...ARE YOU OK?
YEAH, I--I JUST...
WELL, IT'S THAT WHOLE EMERGENCY PHONE CALL THING.
[SIGHS]
LET'S GO GET SOME BEER.
OK, I GOT IT.
MAYBE YOU CAN CALL YOUR PARENTS
AND TELL THEM YOU FELL AND HIT YOUR HEAD
AND HAVE THEM COME HOME BEFORE THE PARTY.
THEN WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THEY COME HOME
AND SEE MY HEAD IS FINE?
WELL, WE'D HAVE TO HIT YOU OVER THE HEAD AND GIVE YOU A BUMP.
OOH, LIKE IN THAT DIRTY HARRY MOVIE
WHERE THE BAD GUY YELLS AT THIS BLACK GUY
SO HE WILL BEAT HIM UP,
THEN HE BLAMES IT ON CLINT.
[IMITATES BAD GUY] IT WAS CALLAHAN!
NO CHANCE. I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU GUYS HIT ME.
HEY, GUYS, WHENEVER MY UNCLE VISITS,
MY MOM GIVES HIM NON-ALCOHOLIC BEER
SO HE DOESN'T GET ALL DRUNK AND YELL AT EVERYONE.
WHAT'S NON-ALCOHOLIC BEER?
IT'S JUST LIKE BEER, BUT IT DOESN'T HAVE
THAT INGREDIENT THAT MAKES YOU DRUNK.
ALCOHOL?
YEAH.
THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
BUT WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO BUY A WHOLE KEG OF IT.
THAT'S GONNA BE EXPENSIVE.
I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY.
I DON'T, EITHER.
YES, YOU DO.
OH, NO--NO WAY.
WHY NOT?
[SIGHS] IT'S MY BAR MITZVAH MONEY.
[SIGH] I'M SAVING IT TO GO BACKPACKING ACROSS EUROPE.
OH, COME ON, THIS IS IMPORTANT.
EVERY TIME YOU GUYS HAVE A PROBLEM,
YOU WANT TO DIP INTO MY BAR MITZVAH MONEY.
IT'S NOT LIKE I GET TO HAVE ANOTHER ONE.
COME ON. FOR LINDSAY?
FINE.
MAZEL TOV.
OH, SHUT UP.
WHAT IF SOMEBODY ROBS THIS PLACE WHILE WE'RE IN HERE?
PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS GETTING SHOT IN LIQUOR STORES.
DO YOU THINK THEY SELL YOOHOO HERE? I'M KINDA THIRSTY.
YEAH, BILL, WHY DON'T YOU ASK THE GUY?
MAYBE HE CAN CHANGE YOUR DIAPER, TOO.
HEY, THAT WAS UNNECESSARY.
WE'RE OUT OF POP ROCKS.
UH, A KEG OF BEER, PLEASE.
DON'T SEE THAT HAPPENING.
UH, NO, WE'D LIKE NON-ALCOHOLIC BEER.
OH, REALLY? NO.
PLEASE? WE REALLY NEED IT.
WHAT FOR?
OH, WE'RE GONNA SWITCH THE KEGS AT HIS SISTER'S PARTY.
[LAUGHS] RIGHTEOUS.
BILL, PUT YOUR JACKET ON IT
SO IF SOMEONE DRIVES BY THEY DON'T SEE IT.
I HOPE WE DON'T GET CAUGHT.
THEN HURRY UP!
[SIGH] BILL, PUSH!
I--I AM! I AM!
SHE'S IN THERE. HOW ARE WE GONNA DO THIS?
I'LL DISTRACT HER WHILE YOU AND BILL SWITCH THE KEGS.
I'M TIRED OF CARRYING THIS STUPID KEG.
WHY DON'T YOU LET ME DISTRACT HER?
I'M DISTRACTING HER.
COME ON. HURRY UP.
I'M GOING IN.
HEY, LINDSAY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
SAM, BILL, AND I ARE JUST HANGING OUT.
OH, PLEASE, ALLOW ME.
THANKS.
[WHISPERS] Come on, push.
I AM PUSHING. IT'S HEAVY.
CAREFUL. MY FOOT!
HEY, IT'S YOUR FOOT. YOU CAN WATCH IT, TOO, YOU KNOW.
SO, WHAT KIND OF MUSIC ARE YOU GONNA PLAY TONIGHT?
YOU SHOULD PLAY SOME CHICAGO.
THEY'VE GOT A REALLY HOT HORN SECTION.
HA, I DON'T KNOW.
I THINK I'M GONNA PLAY SOME ZEPPELIN, FOGHAT, HMM, MAYBE SOME SABBATH.
FRIDAY NIGHT, ALWAYS A GOOD NIGHT FOR SOME SABBATH.
'CAUSE YOU KNOW, FRIDAY...
IS THE SABBATH... FOR THE JEWS.
THINK NEAL'S OK IN THERE?
HE'S HAVING A TERRIFIC TIME.
WHY? HE'S IN LOVE WITH YOUR SISTER.
WHAT? OW!
HEY, SAM, WHAT WAS THAT?
UH, NOTHING. BILL FELL.
HEY, DON'T YOU WANT TO GO PLAY WITH THOSE GUYS?
NO. I LIKE TALKING TO YOU.
IF NEAL MARRIES YOUR SISTER,
THEN HE'D BE YOUR BROTHER-IN-LAW.
THEN--THEN, IF YOU HAD KIDS,
UH, NEAL WOULD BE THEIR UNCLE NEAL.
AND THEN I BET LINDSAY'S KIDS WOULD LOOK LIKE NEAL.
BILL, SHUT UP. HE DOESN'T LOVE LINDSAY.
THAT--THAT'S NOT WHAT HE TOLD...ME.
[BANG]
I THINK BILL'S GOT AN EAR INFECTION.
IT'S MESSING WITH HIS EQUILIBRIUM.
[CLEARS THROAT] I THINK YOU NEED MORE M&Ms.
WELL, I DON'T HAVE ANY MORE M&Ms.
NO, NO, NO, NO, I SAW SOME RIGHT OVER THERE.
OH, NO.
NO, WE DON'T HAVE ANY MORE M&Ms.
NOW GET OUT OF MY WAY.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DO--?
UH--OH, HI. OH. IT'S...
NO, BILL, IT'S OK. UH, NEAL TOLD ME ABOUT YOUR--YOUR--
WELL, HELP HIM, SAM. GIVE HIM SOMETHING TO WEAR.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
HI. HEY.
HEY.
COME IN.
Nick: WOW.
Lindsay: SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WHAT DO YOU THINK WE ARE, HIPPIES?
[LAUGHS] SHUT UP, MAN. I THINK IT LOOKS GREAT.
LOOKS GREAT.
WOW. LIKE THAT UNICORN.
WELL, MY HOUSE IS SO BORING LOOKING.
SO I JUST WANTED TO MAKE IT LOOK MORE PARTY-LIKE.
WELL, I'LL TELL YOU HOW TO MAKE IT LOOK MORE PARTY-LIKE.
POINT ME TO THE KEG.
Nick: OH, YEAH.
OH, IT'S IN THE CORNER.
THEN I AM IN THE CORNER.
HEY, DON'T BE NERVOUS.
THIS PARTY'S GONNA BE GREAT.
THANKS.
YEAH. SO, THIS IS THE MAIN ROOM?
YEAH. WHY?
WELL, IT'S PROBABLY BIG ENOUGH.
YEAH, WORD'S GETTING AROUND.
SO, UH, YOU MIND IF I CHECK OUT THE REST?
OK.
PEOPLE ARE HERE.
ALL RIGHT, IT'S GOING DOWN.
YOU'RE BLOCKING THE TV.
WHAT DO YOU THINK'S GONNA HAPPEN?
WELL, HOPEFULLY EVERYBODY'S GONNA DRINK
A BUNCH OF FAKE BEER, HAVE TO PEE A LOT,
AND GO HOME 'CAUSE THEY'RE BORED.
THIS IS GENIUS.
IT'S MY IDEA. I'M THE GENIUS.
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE PLAN.
BILL, YOU GUARD THE KEG. NEAL AND I WILL PATROL THE PARTY.
I'LL KEEP AN EYE ON LINDSAY.
I'M THE GENIUS.
[LOUD ROCK 'N' ROLL]
HEY. WHAT'S UP?
COME ON IN.
HOW'S IT GOING?
dd NA NA-NA-NA, NA-NA NA, NA-NA NA dd
[GROANS] THIS BEER SUCKS. IT TASTE WEIRD TO YOU?
UH, IT'S IMPORTED.
NOTHING'S TOO GOOD FOR OUR FRIENDS.
DANIEL PROBABLY BOUGHT THE CHEAP BEER
AND KEPT THE EXTRA CASH.
DEFINITELY.
dd THOUGHT I HEARD HER CALLING MY NAME NOW dd
PUMP IT, YOU DORK.
SO, I THINK IF YOU LOOK BACK, EVEN,
ATSONG REMAINS THE SAME, FOR INSTANCE,
HE'S DRESSED LIKE A GANGSTER,
A-AND THEN HIS HEAD GOT SHOT OFF, RIGHT?
AND ALL THAT MULTI-COLORED PAINT AND STUFF
CAME OUT OF HIS NECK.
NOW, I THINK WHAT THAT MEANS IS THAT HE KNEW EVEN THEN
THAT HE WAS GONNA DIE. WHAT?
UH, COULD YOU NOT SIT ON THAT, PLEASE?
IT'S GLASS.
NAH, NO, YOU KNOW, YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO TRADE PLACES WITH ME.
BELIEVE ME.
I DON'T KNOW. I MEAN, I'M JEWISH.
IT'S NO CAKE-WALK EITHER.
I WAS ELECTED SCHOOL TREASURER LAST YEAR.
I DIDN'T EVEN RUN.
dd NA NA-NA-NA NA-NA NA, NA-NA NA dd
dd LISTEN, HUSH dd
dd HUSH, I THOUGHT I HEARD HER CALLIN' MY NAME NOW dd
dd HUSH, HUSH dd
dd SHE BROKE MY HEART, BUT I LOVE HER JUST THE SAME dd
MILLIE. HI.
I SAW ALL THE CARS OUT IN FRONT.
YEAH, WELL, WE'RE ALL HANGING OUT.
YOU MISSED A POP QUIZ IN CHEMISTRY TODAY.
I DID? REALLY?
YEAH, WERE YOU SKIPPING OUT WITH YOUR NEW FRIENDS?
OR SHOULD I CALL THEM "DRINKING BUDDIES?"
MILLIE.
WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS, LINDSAY?
YOU'RE ASKING FOR TROUBLE.
BEER HERE!
UH, NO, THANK YOU.
I PREFER TO GET HIGH ON LIFE.
[SEAN SNICKERS]
OH, WHOA, WHOA.
YOU'RE THAT CHICK FROM THAT THING YESTERDAY.
OH, HEY, WOULD YOU GIVE ME A RIDE HOME?
YES, I WOULD.
[SNICKERS] "YES, I WOULD."
WHY IS IT SO FUNNY?
LOOK, MILLIE, I GOTTA GET BACK TO THE PARTY.
YOU WANT TO STAY?
YES.
AND I'M GOING TO HAVE MORE FUN THAN ANY OF YOU.
SOBER.
[SCREECHING TIRES]
[MEN TALKING]
Lindsay: UH, HI.
CAN I HELP YOU?
NO DOUBT.
[LAUGHTER]
WE'RE FRIENDS OF DANIEL'S.
WE'RE LOOKING FOR SOME BEER.
HEY, JIMMY.
HEY, SWEET THING. WHERE-WHERE'S YOUR BOY?
HOPEFULLY UNDER A TRUCK.
I DUMPED HIS ASS.
RIGHT ON, MAN.
THAT MAKES YOU AVAILABLE.
[KIM LAUGHS]
NO WAY, OLD MAN.
SHE'S MINE. AAH! AAH!
ALL MINE.
[LAUGHTER]
COME ON, BOYS. LET'S GO TEAR THIS MOTHER DOWN!
[WHOOPS]
Man: HELLO, LADIES!
WHO ARE THOSE GUYS?
THEY'RE...
MY GUESTS.
[BELCHES]
OH, MAN, I GOTTA PEE!
I'LL CONSIDER THAT A FORFEIT.
OWW!
I AM THE LORD OF QUARTERS.
OH, MMM...
OH, MAN!
MAN, I'VE HAD 5 BEERS ALREADY. I'M NOT EVEN BUZZED.
YOU'RE THE MAN! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. YOU'RE THE MAN!
I HAVEN'T HAD ANY AND I'M SAILING.
I'M HAVING MORE FUN THAN ANY OF YOU.
EXCUSE ME.
HEY, WAIT A SECOND, MAN. AREN'T YOU A--A SOBER STUDENT?
I ONLY DID THAT BECAUSE IT LOOKS GOOD ON MY TRANSCRIPT FOR COLLEGE.
ALL RIGHT!
WAIT--WAIT TILL I'M READY. WAIT TILL I'M READY.
WAIT TILL I'M-- GO!
I WASN'T READY.
HIT ME HARDER. HARDER, MAN, COME ON!
COME ON. FEEL THE STEEL.
MAN, YOU'RE TICKLING ME. WHO'S NEXT?
ALL RIGHT, STEP RIGHT UP, MY BIG MAN.
COME ON, RIGHT HERE.
MAN, THAT WAS COOL, MAN.
ARE YOU SURE WE PUT OUT THE RIGHT KEG?
IT'S WORKING BETTER THAN WE WANTED.
THEY REALLY THINK THEY'RE DRUNK.
THINK SO?
LOOK AT THEM. THEY'RE WASTED.
THAT'S THE PLACEBO EFFECT WORKING FOR YOU, MY FRIEND.
CHECK OUT THAT GUY.
WHAT IF THEY TRASH THE PLACE 'CAUSE THEY THINK THEY'RE DRUNK?
THEY WON'T.
I DON'T THINK.
THIS COULD BE BAD.
HEY, DANIEL.
HEY.
UH, WELL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
OH, I'M JUST, UH, LOOKING AT ALL THIS STUFF.
HOW OLD ARE YOU HERE?
I, UH, IT WAS... IT WAS YOUNGER.
I--I--I-- I WAS REALLY GEEKY.
YEAH.
YOU WIN A LOT, DON'T YOU?
I GUESS. YEAH.
WELL, YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN MEANING TO PUT THAT IN THE BASEMENT.
"FIRST PLACE-- ALGEBRA DIVISION"?
OH, THAT'S RIGHT. YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE, UH...
MATHLETES.
YEAH, I KNOW. IT'S...
STUPID. I DON'T DO IT ANYMORE.
WHY IS IT SO STUPID?
YOU LOOK PRETTY HAPPY THERE.
HEY, IF I EVER WON A BLUE RIBBON...
I'D BE SO PUMPED.
I MEAN, UH, I WOULDN'T WEAR IT AROUND OR NOTHING, BUT...
IT'S COOL.
THANKS.
OH. OH, NO!
THAT'S THAT CHICK FROM THE ASSEMBLY, MAN.
dd JESUS IS JUST ALL RIGHT WITH ME dd
dd JESUS IS JUST ALL RIGHT, OH, YEAH dd
dd JESUS IS JUST ALL RIGHT WITH ME dd
dd JESUS IS JUST ALL RIGHT-- dd
YEAH.
dd I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY MAY SAY dd
dd I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY MAY DO dd
dd I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY MAY SAY dd
dd JESUS IS JUST ALL RIGHT dd
COME ON! COME ON, LET'S DO IT.
LET'S GO.
dd DOO DOO DE DO DOOD DOOD DOOD DOOD dd
dd DOO DOO DOO DOO DOOD DOOD OH, YEAH... dd
HI, KEN.
HEY.
DO YOU GUYS LIKE MY SISTER?
SURE.
WELL, THEN CAN YOU MAKE SURE
THAT SHE DOESN'T GET IN TOO MUCH TROUBLE?
OK.
THANKS.
HEY, WHICH ONE'S YOUR SISTER?
SHE'S NOT THAT CHICK WHO'S SINGING, IS SHE?
dd dd DE DOOD DOOD
[TV PLAYS]
CAREFUL. CAREFUL, J.R. IT'S A TRAP.
HEY, YOU WANT TO GO?
WHAT?
I SAID, DO YOU WANT TO GO?!
I ALWAYS WANT TO GO, GRANDPA.
WANT TO GO?
YOU WANT TO GO?
LET'S GO, FAT BOY!
THAT WAS STUPID, OLD MAN.
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.
ALL RIGHT, COOL OFF, MAN. NOT HERE.
ALL RIGHT, ARE WE COOL?
WHATEVER.
HI, SAM.
HI, CINDY.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE COMING.
YEAH. NEAL INVITED ME.
OH, THIS IS MY COUSIN BETH.
SHE'S VISITING FROM BOCA RATON.
OH, HI.
SO WHERE'S THE BEER?
UH, IT-IT'S OVER THERE.
DON'T WORRY. I'M THE DESIGNATED DRIVER.
GOOD GOD.
WHY DID NEAL INVITE HER?
NOW SHE'S GONNA SEE ALL THE DUMB STUFF IN MY HOUSE.
HIS PLAN IS TO DISTRACT YOU, SO HE CAN HIT ON YOUR SISTER.
OH, MAN! HE'S SO DEAD.
WHAT AM I GONNA SAY TO CINDY?
DON'T SAY ANYTHING. BE DOMINANT.
IT'S ALL--ALL ABOUT DOMINANCE.
I SAW THIS MONKEY SHOW ON PBS.
IF YOU TALK TO HER FIRST, IT'S A SIGN OF WEAKNESS.
AND SHE WILL NOT PICK YOU TO BE HER MATE.
ARE YOU DRUNK?
I THINK SO. YES, I AM.
OH, MAN! GO INTO MY ROOM, LOCK THE DOOR,
AND DON'T DRINK ANY MORE.
THAT'S VERY DOMINANT.
HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN DANIEL?
NO. NO.
THANKS FOR THE DANCE.
Kim: OW. WATCH IT, ROMEO. YOU'RE ON MY HAIR.
HEY, WE'RE BUSY HERE.
UH, SORRY.
OH, HEY, LINDSAY.
[KIM LAUGHS]
DON'T WORRY. WE THREW YOUR TEDDY BEARS ON THE FLOOR.
dd BABY dd
dd WHAT AM I... dd
DANIEL AND KIM ARE MAKING OUT ON MY BED.
OH.
I THOUGHT THEY BROKE UP.
YEAH. I DON'T KNOW. THEY BREAK UP, LIKE,
EVERY WEEK, YOU KNOW, SO...
HEY. HEY...
YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE YOU'RE HAVING VERY MUCH FUN.
WELL, I'M NOT.
HEY, LINDSAY,
THIS IS A PARTY.
OK? SO WILL YOU PLEASE JUST, LIKE, TRY TO RELAX
AND HAVE A GOOD TIME, OK?
AND WHEN IT'S OVER, I'LL STAY
AND I'LL HELP YOU CLEAN UP.
THANKS.
OH, I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
YEAH, ME, TOO.
[LAUGHS] WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
NOTHING.
EW! STOP!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
I'M SORRY. OH, MY GOD, I'M REALLY, REALLY SORRY.
I'M REALLY SORRY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
I'M REALLY SORRY. I'M--I'M REALLY WASTED RIGHT NOW, YOU KNOW.
JOHN BONHAM DIED.
dd YOU LIKE CREDIT CARDS dd
dd AND PRIVATE PLANES dd
dd MONEY... dd
LINDSAY? ARE YOU OK?
YEAH, I'M FINE.
I'LL BE OUT IN A MINUTE.
SOMETIMES IT HELPS TO TALK TO SOMEONE.
WELL, I'M TOO DRUNK TO TALK.
NO, THAT'S OK. I SPEAK DRUNK.
I'M SO WASTED, AND I HATE MY LIFE.
YOU SHOULDN'T HATE YOUR LIFE.
WHY NOT? IT SUCKS.
NO, IT DOESN'T.
YOU'RE A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG GIRL.
THE WORLD IS YOUR OYSTER.
PLEASE, LEAVE ME ALONE.
NO.
WHY?
BECAUSE YOU'RE SAM'S SISTER.
I'M SO WASTED.
I WISH I NEVER HAD THIS PARTY.
UH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT. IT'S OK.
EVERYTHING WILL BE OK.
SAM, RIGHT?
HAVE YOU, UH, SEEN YOUR SISTER AROUND ANYWHERE?
UH, NO. NOT RECENTLY.
UM, IF YOU SEE HER, COULD YOU JUST TELL HER I'M REALLY SORRY?
DID YOU BREAK SOMETHING?
NO.
JUST FORGET IT, OK?
GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!
[GLASS BREAKS]
OH, GOD. WHAT IS GOING ON OUT THERE?
I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO HAVE THIS PARTY.
I ONLY HAD IT 'CAUSE DANIEL WANTED IT.
AND NEXT THING I KNOW, HE'S MAKING OUT ON MY BED WITH KIM.
TYPICAL.
ALL MY NEW FRIENDS THINK I'M SOME GOODY TWO-SHOES,
AND ALL MY OLD FRIENDS THINK I'M THROWING MY LIFE AWAY.
WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
MAY I SPEAK FREELY?
THAT DANIEL GUY, YOU CAN DO BETTER.
AND, HEY, AT LEAST PEOPLE SHOWED UP TO YOUR PARTY.
WHEN I WAS IN THE SIXTH GRADE,
MY MOM THREW ME A SURPRISE PARTY,
YOU KNOW WHAT THE SURPRISE WAS?
NOBODY SHOWED UP.
EXCEPT BILL AND SAM.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
YEAH?
Carl: WHOEVER'S IN THERE,
WE NEED 5 BUCKS FROM EVERYONE.
WE'RE GONNA GET ANOTHER KEG.
OH, MY GOD.
FORGET IT, MAN. WE JUST FOUND 50 BUCKS.
UM, YOU'VE GOTTA DO SOMETHING.
I CAN'T. IF I GO OUT THERE AND KICK EVERYBODY OUT,
I'M GONNA LOOK SO LAME.
NO, NO, NO. WHY DON'T YOU CALL THE POLICE?
I MEAN, THAT'S WHAT MY DAD ALWAYS DOES.
PRETEND TO BE LIKE AN ANGRY NEIGHBOR.
OH, SO THEY CAN COME IN AND FIND THE KEG?
NOT WITHOUT A WARRANT.
NO. NO. I CAN'T.
OH, GOD. I CAN'T HANDLE ANY OF THIS.
OF COURSE YOU CAN.
YOU'RE LINDSAY WEIR. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING.
YOU'RE SMART AND PRETTY.
YOU DON'T TAKE ANY CRAP.
AND YOU'RE THE PERFECT GIRL,
AND I'VE BEEN IN LOVE WITH YOU SINCE I WAS 5 YEARS OLD.
[SOBS]
MAYBE I SHOULD CALL THE COPS.
YES.
OK.
HI. POLICE, PLEASE.
THANK YOU.
YES, HELLO, POLICE?
YES. HI. THERE'S A VERY LOUD AND ANNOYING PARTY GOING ON NEXT DOOR.
IT'S JUST BEEN GOING ON FOREVER.
I'M VERY TIRED, AND I'M OLD. I NEED MY REST.
I'VE GOTTA WORK TOMORROW.
YES. IT'S 13 NOME DRIVE.
THANK YOU. PLEASE HURRY UP. I'M SO TIRED.
DONE.
I'D SAY THIS PARTY HAS A LIFE EXPECTANCY OF 5 MINUTES.
THANKS, NEAL.
HEY, SAM.
OH, HEY, CINDY. I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE.
SO, HOW'S IT GOING?
PRETTY GOOD.
SO, UH, WHERE ARE ALL THE CUTE GUYS?
HA, WHAT? THE BUS HASN'T ARRIVED YET?
OH, MY GOD. THE POLICE ARE HERE.
[GROANS]
Neal: COME ON, EVERYBODY OUT.
LOOK, DO YOU WANT LINDSAY TO GET IN TROUBLE?
I'M ON PAROLE.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE THEY SEARCH THE VAN.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO RUN, KEN. IT'S FAKE BEER.
I KNOW.
I WON 87 BUCKS PLAYING QUARTERS.
THIS PARTY RULED.
OH, HEY, LINDSAY.
GREAT PARTY.
WE HAD A GREAT TIME.
GLAD YOU HAD A GOOD TIME.
I KNEW YOU HAD IT IN YOU.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
YOU WERE A WONDERFUL HOSTESS.
HAVE US BACK AGAIN SOON.
SHOULD'VE HIRED A MAGICIAN.
[MOANS]
HEY, BILL, GET UP.
[MOANS]
THAT'S HOW THE DRUMMER FROM LED ZEPPELIN DIED.
DID HE?
GOOD NIGHT, LINDSAY.
[MOANING]
ALL RIGHT. HERE'S THE BET.
FOR 10 BUCKS...
I'LL DRINK THIS MUCH OF ANYTHING.
ANYTHING?
ANYTHING.
AS LONG AS IT'S SOMETHING YOU CAN EAT.
OK, ONLY STUFF FROM THE KITCHEN.
NOTHING FROM THE BATHROOM AND NOTHING FROM THE GARAGE.
OK.
AND IT HAS TO BE FOOD, OK?
NOTHING FROM UNDER THE SINK.
OK? NO CLEANSERS, NO DETERGENT,
NO FURNITURE POLISH,
AND NO CUT UP BITS OF SPONGE.
OK.
I'M JUST TRYING TO WIN 10 BUCKS HERE.
I DON'T WANNA DIE.
ALL RIGHT, NOW PUT ON...
THE BLINDFOLD.
I DON'T WANT TO MESS UP MY HAIR.
ALL RIGHT. AND NOW STEP INTO
THE SOUNDPROOF BOOTH.
I'M TRUSTING YOU GUYS.
OK, PUT IN SOME MUSTARD. IT'S AN IPECAC.
IT'LL MAKE HIM BARF.
DON'T MAKE HIMBARF. MY MOM COOKS DINNER IN HERE!
IF WE'RE NOT TRYING TO MAKE HIM BARF,
THEN WHY ARE WE DOING THIS?
I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING YOU GUYS ARE SAYING.
COME ON, BILL!
QUIT LISTENING!
I CAN'T HELP IT.
THEN HUM SO YOU CAN'T HEAR US.
[HUMMING]
CAYENNE PEPPER.
OOH! GOOD ONE!
PASS ME THE PICKLE JUICE.
[HUMMING]
YOU KNOW, MY COUSIN...
ONCE DRANK AN ENTIRE JAR OF PICKLE JUICE.
HE HAD TO SIT ON THE TOILET FOR 10 HOURS.
OH, GOD, THAT'S NASTY!
OH, THIS IS GONNA BE GREAT.
SALT...SARDINES...
AW!
DISGUSTING!
OH, MAN! [HUMMING]
VINEGAR! MMM...
WAIT, WAIT... VINEGAR!
SOY SAUCE.
SOY SAUCE!
dd HMM HMM HMM HMM HMM HMM dd
CHILI!
FOR TEXTURE.
THAT'S DISGUSTING!
EXACTLY!
AND JUST A LITTLE BIT OF JELLY.
SOME DAIRY CREAMER.
AND...
TOP IT ALL OFF...
A COUPLE OF AFTER-DINNER MINTS.
HA HA HA!
ALL RIGHT.
NOW MIX IT UP.
ALL RIGHT.
dd HMM HMM HMM HMM HMM HMM dd
OH, GOD!
OH, IT'S BUBBLING!
HA HA HA!
THAT'S DISGUSTING!
ALL RIGHT.
dd HMM HMM HMM HMM HMM HMM HMM dd
OUCH!
IT'S SHOW TIME!
LET ME SEE THE MONEY FIRST.
COME ON, DRINK UP ALREADY.
DON'T RUSH ME.
UH...EEW! EEW!
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
IT'S NOT BAD.
OH! EEW! OH, COME ON!
[LAUGHS] IT'S MAKING ME SICK!
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY DREAMWORKS TELEVISION. L.L.C.
dd I DON'T GIVE A DAMN 'BOUT MY REPUTATION dd
dd LIVIN' IN THE PAST, IT'S A NEW GENERATIO
dd GO AND DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO dd
dd AND THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO dd
dd AND I DON'T GIVE A DAMN 'BOUT MY BAD REPUTATION dd
dd OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO dd
dd NOT ME dd
dd WHAH! NO! dd
dd NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO dd
dd NOT ME dd
dd ME, ME, ME, ME dd
dd I DON'T GIVE A DAMN 'BOUT MY REPUTATION dd
dd I'VE NEVER BEEN AFRAID OF ANY DEVIATION dd
dd AND I DON'T REALLY CARE IF YOU THINK I'M STRANGE dd
dd I AIN'T GONNA CHANGE dd
dd AND I'M NEVER GONNA CARE 'BOUT MY BAD REPUTATION dd
dd NOT ME! dd
HEY, LOOK! MAPLEFARM REALTY
GAVE EVERYONE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD FREE PUMPKINS!
WASN'T THAT NICE?
WELL, THERE'S NOTHING NICE ABOUT IT.
IT'S A CHEAP WAY TO GET CUSTOMERS.
THEY GIVE YOU A 20-CENT PUMPKIN,
YOU GIVE THEM 10 GRAND TO SELL THE HOUSE.
SOME DEAL.
WELL, I JUST THINK IT WAS NICE.
OOH.
HEY, CAN I HAVE THE PRIZE?
MY BOWL...MY PRIZE.
COME ON.
[WHISTLES]
SAM, WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME?
SORRY.
HEY, SAMMY, WHAT ARE YOU GOING OUT AS FOR HALLOWEEN?
I-I'M NOT GOING OUT.
BILL AND I ARE GONNA SEETHE NUDE BOMBAT PARKWAY.
HEY, THAT'S A DIRTY MOVIE.
DAD, IT'S A GET SMART MOVIE.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. YOU'RE NOT GOING TRICK OR TREATING?
MOM! I-I'M IN NINTH GRADE!
I KNOW. BUT YOU WENT OUT LAST YEAR.
YEAH. WELL, LAST YEAR I WAS IN JUNIOR HIGH.
YEAH, BUT SAM...
HONEY, THE BOY'S 14.
HE CAN MISS A NIGHT OF WALKING AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD
BEGGIN' LIKE A TRAMP.
HALLOWEEN'S FOR LITTLE KIDS ANYWAY.
HEY, LINDSAY,
YOU'RE STILL GONNA HAND OUT CANDY WITH ME, AREN'T YOU?
REMEMBER HOW MUCH FUN WE HAD LAST YEAR
LOOKING AT ALL THE LITTLE KIDS IN THEIR COSTUMES?
YEAH, MOM. I TOLD YOU I WAS GOING TO.
WELL, GOOD! 'CAUSE WE'RE GONNA HAVE
A REALLY GOOD TIME THIS YEAR,
I PROMISE.
HEY, LINDSAY.
LONG TIME NO SEE.
I SAW YOU OUT HERE YESTERDAY.
WHY ARE YOU WEARING A HAT?
IT'S THE DAY BEFORE HALLOWEEN.
THAT YOUR COSTUME?
IT KINDA SUCKS.
NO. IT'S DEVIL'S DAY.
EACH YEAR, THE SENIORS BRING IN HAIR REMOVAL FOAM
AND SPRAY IT ON FRESHMEN'S HEADS.
THEN ALL YOUR HAIR FALLS OUT.
REALLY?
NO. THAT STUPID RUMOR'S BEEN AROUND FOR YEARS.
YEAH, I KNOW. I WAS JUST GOOFIN' ON 'EM.
NO, YOU WEREN'T!
YES, I WAS.
Millie: HEY, LINDSAY.
HEY, MILLIE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING TOMORROW NIGHT?
MY CHURCH IS HAVING A HALLOWEEN DANCE.
YOU WANNA COME?
OH. WELL... I WOULD GO,
BUT I GOTTA HAND OUT CANDY WITH MY MOM.
OH. OK.
DO YOU WANT SOME LICK-A-MAID?
NO. YOU EAT CANDYNOW?
MILLIE, IT'S 7:30 IN THE MORNING.
IT'S JUST LICK-A-MAID.
IT MAKES MY SPIT TASTE LIKE FRUIT JUICE.
[VEHICLE APPROACHING]
HEY, CHECK IT OUT. IT'S LINDSAY.
HEY, LINDSAY.
WHAT'S UP?
HEY, DANIEL.
HEY, KIM.
HELLO, BRAIN.
SO, THIS IS YOUR BUS STOP?
[KIM GIGGLES]
YEAH.
WE'VE HAD THE SAME BUS STOP SINCE KINDERGARTEN.
HOW FAST DOES YOUR CAR GO?
150, IF I HOOK UP THE NITROUS TANK.
[KIM GIGGLES]
YOUR CAR IS REALLY LOUD.
MY DAD SAYS YOU NEED A MUFFLER.
ONCE HE EVEN THREW A ROCK AT YOU WHEN YOU DROVE BY.
BUT...I GUESS YOU DIDN'T HEAR IT.
HE THREW A ROCK AT ME?
HEY, KID, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU EATING?
IS THAT LAUNDRY SOAP?
IT'S LICK-A-MAID. WANT SOME?
MILLIE...
U-UM...I'LL PASS.
UH, YEAH. WE GOTTA GET GOIN'.
I'D GIVE YOU A RIDE, LINDS,
BUT I GOT AN ENGINE BLOCK IN THE BACKSEAT.
YEAH.
MMM!
THANKS FOR THE CANDY, SKINNY.
[ENGINE ROARS]
SEE? MY DAD'S RIGHT.
HE NEEDS A MUFFLER.
SO ARE YOU GUYS GOING TO SARA'S PARTY TOMORROW NIGHT?
YEAH, BUT I THINK I'M GOING TO JIM'S FIRST.
HEY!
IF IT ISN'T THE...
AMELIA EARHART OF McKINLEY HIGH.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
WELL, YOU HEAD TO CLASS, BUT YOU NEVER SEEM TO GET THERE.
MR. ROSSO, COULD YOU NOT HUMILIATE ME IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE SCHOOL?
COME ON, LINDSAY, DON'T TURN ME INTO THE MAN HERE.
I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU.
AND IF, WHEN YOU GRADUATE, IT TURNS OUT I DID HELP YOU
BUT YOU HATE ME... I'M OK WITH THAT.
I GOTTA GET TO CLASS.
SEE? IT'S WORKIN' ALREADY.
EMBARRASSING. THAT'S THE ONLY WORD I CAN THINK OF
TO DESCRIBE THESE BOOKS YOU'VE CHOSEN TO DO YOUR REPORTS ON.
AL JAFFE'S SNAPPY ANSWERS TO STUPID QUESTIONS.
THE NOVELIZATION OF "STAR WARS."
YES, I CAN...
THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF SAMMY DAVIS, JR.
CRIME AND PUNISHMENT IS A GOOD EXAMPLE
OF THE KIND OF BOOK YOU SHOULD BE READING NOW.
IN IT, FYODOR DOSTOEVSKY
WAS ATTEMPTING TO CREATE
WHAT SOME WOULD CALL
AN EXISTENTIAL ENIGMA...
A PROTAGONIST WHO WAS BOTH A NIHILIST
AND A MORALIST.
NOW, I KNOW THIS SOUNDS CONFUSING TO YOU ALL,
BUT SOON YOU'LL ALL KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT,
BECAUSE I EXPECT YOU TO HAVE
THE FIRST HALF OF THIS BOOK READ BY MONDAY.
[CLASS GROANS] IT'S TIME TO GROW UP, PEOPLE!
YOU LIKE THAT?
NO! GETS YOU HOT?
WOULD YOU KNOCK IT OFF? YOU'RE MAKING ME SICK!
HEY...WHY DON'T YOU MAKE OUT WITH NICKY THERE,
AND WE'LL CALL IT A FOURSOME?
YEAH. WHY DON'T YOU MAKE OUT WITH MY BUTT, AND WE'LL CALL IT LOVE?
HEY, YOU GUYS, BE COOL.
THE NARC'S HERE.
YEAH. WATCH OUT, OR I'LL BUST YOU.
HEY, MAN, I AIN'T JOKING.
I HEARD ABOUT WHAT YOU DID TO BRIAN STOKER.
SAW HIM SMOKING A "J" OUTSIDE THE QUICK FILL
AND WENT INSIDE AND TOLD SOME COPS?
BRIAN'S IN PRISON NOW, MAN.
AND I HEARD HIS BROTHER'S LOOKIN' FOR YOU.
WHAT? I DIDN'T DO THAT.
YEAH. I KNOW.
I WAS JUST MESSING WITH YOU.
SHE GOT ME WITH THAT SAME JOKE LAST WEEK.
IT'S KINDA FUNNY, THOUGH.
HILARIOUS.
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' FOR HALLOWEEN?
OH, I HAVE TO HAND OUT CANDY WITH MY MOM.
I KNOW, IT... SOUNDS REALLY DORKY.
SHE GETS REALLY INTO IT.
OH, LINDSAY,
I DON'T THINK THAT SOUNDS DORKY AT ALL.
YOU KNOW WHAT? AT LEAST SHE'S BEIN' NICE.
JUST BECAUSE YOU HATE YOUR MOTHER
DOESN'T MEAN THAT EVERYBODY ELSE DOES, OK?
NO, EVERYBODY HATES HER MOTHER.
Kim: HA HA HA!
WELL, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
OH, WELL, UH, KIM, NICK AND I ARE GOIN' OUT.
BORROWIN' MY UNCLE'S BIG-ASS CADDY, AND...
WE THOUGHT MAYBE YOU'D LIKE TO COME WITH US.
OH, YOU MEAN LIKE A...DOUBLE DATE?
IF THAT'S WHAT YOU NEED
TO CALL IT IN YOUR DIARY, PRINCESS.
I CAN'T.
YOUR LOSS.
[BELL RINGS]
OH, THE BELL.
LET'S NOT BE LATE FOR CLASS.
[LAUGHS] YEAH, RIGHT!
HEY, LINDSAY,
I--YOU KNOW, I THINK IT'S--
I THINK IT'S NICE THAT YOU'RE HELPING YOUR MOM HAND OUT CANDY.
SO...I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
YEAH.
SEE YOU LATER.
THIS IS GONNA TAKE LIKE A TRILLION YEARS TO READ.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT'S ABOUT.
WHITMAN SAID IT'S ABOUT AN AX MURDERER.
THAT SOUNDS KINDA COOL.
I GUARANTEE YOU IT'S NOT GONNA BE COOL.
I MEAN...LOOK HOW SMALL THE PRINTING IS.
UH, PERHAPS YOU'VE NEVER HEARD
OF A LITTLE THING CALLED... CLIFF NOTES?
YOU STILL HAVE TO READ THEM.
WHITMAN IS SUCH A JERK! YOU KNOW?
SHE SAYS YOU HAVE TO BE YOUNG ADULTS.
WE'RE NOT ADULTS. WE'RE KIDS UNTIL WE TURN 18.
MAYBE YOU ARE. BUT WHEN
I HIT 13, I BECAME A MAN.
THAT'S ONLY IN YOUR TEMPLE, NEAL, NOT IN THE REAL WORLD.
HEY! WE SHOULD GO TRICK OR TREATING TOMORROW NIGHT.
IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED,
WE'RE A LITTLE OLD.
NO, WE'RE NOT, OK? WE WENT TRICK OR TREATING LAST YEAR.
COME ON.
LET'S GO OUT TOMORROW NIGHT.
NO WAY. I'M GOING TO THE J.C.'S HAUNTED HOUSE.
THE HOTDOG ON A STICK GIRLS
FROM THE MALL ARE WORKIN' IT.
THE TALL ONES?
YEAH. JUDY.
THEY'RE HOT. TOOTIE, TOOTIE!
ALL RIGHT, THEN WHY DON'T WE
GO TRICK OR TREATING BEFORE THAT?
WHY DON'T WE JUST GO BUY CANDY?
OH, YEAH, THAT'S REALLYFUN.
COME ON! IT'LL BE A BLAST.
IT'S BETTER THAN SITTING HOME READING SOME STUPID RUSSIAN BOOK.
SURE.
OK, YOU KNOW, I--
YEAH, I GUESS-- I COULD-- YOU KNOW, WE--
I--YEAH, I GUESS SO.
I DON'T KNOW.
YOU'RE NEVER GONNA DRESS UP AS GROUCHO AGAIN?
WELL...
[AS GROUCHO] THAT'S THE MOST RIDICULOUS THING
I'VE EVER HOIRD!
GROUCHO SUCKS.
TOMMY!
HONEY!
LINDSAY!
HEY, LINDSAY.
WHAT'S UP?
MILLIE, WHO IS THAT?
WHO?
MILLIE!
YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO SEE.
THAT'S TOMMY, MY SECRET LOVE.
WE MET THIS SUMMER AT CHURCH CAMP.
YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND?
LINDSAY, YOU'VE GOTTA KEEP THIS A SECRET.
I MEAN...TOMMY AND I DON'T EVEN FRENCH KISS YET.
TOMMY SAYS THAT IF YOU DO
BEFORE YOU'VE BEEN GOING OUT FOR 6 MONTHS, YOU GO TO HELL.
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?
I DIDN'T WANT TO MAKE YOU FEEL BAD...
SINCE YOU DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND AND ALL.
COME ON. NO WAY!
I'M TELLING YOU, MAN. IT'S TRUE.
WHEN I HEARD HIM PLAY AT COBO HALL, THE GUY WAS AMAZING.
WHOA, HOLD ON A SECOND. SO THEY'RE CALLED SANTANA, RIGHT?
BUT THAT GUY WHO'S SINGING...IS NOT SANTANA.
NO. SANTANA'S THE GUITAR PLAYER.
THEN HOW DID HE GET THEM TO NAME THE BAND AFTER HIM?
I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
MAYBE HE'S JUST A BAD ASS.
IF THAT'S TRUE, THAT'S...AMAZING.
HEY, MAYBE WE SHOULD NAME OUR BAND ZARIOS.
Lindsay: HEY!
I'M GOING OUT WITH YOU GUYS TOMORROW NIGHT.
HEY! HEY, THAT'S GREAT!
YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR MOM?
HOW'S SHE GONNA HAND OUT CANDY ALL BY HERSELF?
WELL, SHE'LL SURVIVE.
WELL, WELL, WELL...
dd dd YOU DID THE MASH
d dd YOU DID THE MONTHSTER MASH d
dd IT WAS A SMASH dd HA.
dd IT WAS A GRAVEYARD SMASH dd RIGHT?
[GIGGLES]
Sam: HEY, MOM,
NEAL, BILL, AND I DECIDED TO GO TRICK OR TREATING TOMORROW NIGHT.
OH, SAM, THAT'S GREAT! WE HAVE TO GET YOU A COSTUME.
NO, MOM. I'M GONNA MAKE MY OWN. I'M GOIN' OUT AS GORT.
HE'S THE ROBOT FROM THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL.
OOH! GORT! HOW EXCITING!
SAM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU'RE TOO OLD TO GO OUT TRICK OR TREATING.
OH, HAROLD, STOP.
WELL, IT'S TRUE!
THERE WAS THIS KID IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD
WHEN I WAS GROWING UP--
SCOTT BYRON.
HE KEPT ON TRICK OR TREATING UNTIL HE WAS WELL INTO HIS 20s.
YOU KNOW WHERE HE'S LIVING NOW?
AT HOME. WITH HIS 90-YEAR-OLD MOTHER!
HE'S THE LAUGHINGSTOCK OF THE COMMUNITY.
NEVER TOOK A WIFE, EITHER.
I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG
WITH ACTING LIKE A KID EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.
I KNOW LINDSAY AND I
ARE GONNA HAVE A GREAT TIME TOMORROW NIGHT, AREN'T WE, SWEETIE?
YEAH, MOM. WE SURE ARE.
dd HE DID THE MASH dd
dd HE DID THE MONTHSTER MASH dd
Both: dd IT WAS A SMASH dd
dd IT WAS A GRAVEYARD SMASH dd
[GIGGLING]
THEN BILL AND I'LL COME BY YOUR PLACE.
AND BRING PILLOW CASES. NO GROCERY BAGS.
IF YOUR BAG RIPS, YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.
I'M GONNA BRING MY PLASTIC PUMPKIN.
DON'T BRING THAT. IT GETS FULL AFTER ONE STREET.
NOT IF I EAT THE CANDY AS WE GO.
LAST TIME YOU DID THAT,
YOU PUKED BEFORE WE GOT PAST OUR BUS STOP.
HEY, GUYS. I HEARD YOU WERE GOING OUT FOR TRICK OR TREATS TONIGHT.
HOW DID YOU FIND OUT ABOUT THAT?
WORD GETS OUT. PEOPLE TALK.
BUT YOU GOTTA BE ESPECIALLY CAREFUL, THOUGH.
THE HALLOWEEN CANDY'S GONNA BE REALLY DANGEROUS THIS YEAR.
THEY SAY THAT EVERY YEAR.
YEAH, BUT THIS YEAR THERE'S A BUNCH OF EVIL HIPPIES
WHO DON'T WANT REAGAN TO BE PRESIDENT,
SO TO DISRUPT THE ELECTION, THEY'RE GOING TO EJECT THE CANDY WITH HEROIN
AND TURN KIDS INTO ADDICTS.
THAT'S NOT TRUE. YOU JUST HAVE TO WATCH OUT FOR PINS AND RAZOR BLADES.
YEAH, AND RAT HAIR'S A BIG ONE.
YOU'RE GONNA FIND YOURSELF WISHING FOR RAT HAIR.
WORD ON THE STREET IS THEY'RE PUTTING A POO
IN FUN-SIZED CANDY BAR WRAPPERS AND HANDING THOSE OUT.
I LOVE FUN-SIZED CANDY BARS.
OH, THAT'S STUPID.
LIKE NOBODY'D BE ABLE TO TELL WHAT IT REALLY WAS.
THEY DIP IT IN CHOCOLATE FIRST
SO YOU CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE UNTIL IT'S TOO LATE.
SEE YA.
ACTUALLY, IT SOUNDS KINDA FUN.
YOU MIND IF I COME WITH YOU GUYS?
MOM?
IN THE KITCHEN!
HEY, LINDSAY, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
YOU'RE GONNA MISS THE FIRST TRICK OR TREATERS.
YOU KNOW THE CUTEST ONES ALWAYS COME EARLY.
YEAH. WELL, I WAS HANGING OUT WITH MY FRIENDS.
LINDSAY...
LO--AH!
OW. LOOK AT WHAT WE'RE GONNA HAND OUT THIS YEAR.
HALLOWEEN COOKIES! [GIGGLES]
THAT'S GREAT, MOM.
Sam: WHAT'S UP WITH ALL THE COOKIES?
SAM, I LAID YOUR ROBOT COSTUME OUT ON YOUR BED.
YOU DIDN'T RIP IT, DID YOU?
NO. BUT I WROTE, "MY SON'S THE CUTEST BOY IN THE WHOLE WORLD"
ON THE FRONT OF IT.
LINDSAY, I GOT YOU A COSTUME. GO PUT IT ON, SWEETIE.
I'M GONNA PUT THESE COOKIES BY THE DOOR.
WE ARE GONNA HAVE SO MUCH FUN!
KINDA HATE WHEN MOM GETS GOOFY LIKE THAT.
MMM.
LOOKIN' FOR CHAPLIN...
I'M ONLY SEEING HITLER.
IF I WERE THE BIONIC WOMAN...
WHAT WOULD I WEAR?
THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
I LOOK LIKE TOM SELLECK!
dd GONNA RAISE HELL dd
MOM!
dd GONNA RAISE HELL dd
I'M SORRY, STEVE AUSTIN. I CAN'T MARRY YOU.
I'M MAD AT YOU RIGHT NOW.
WHAT?
I'M SORRY, I CAN'T HEAR YOU.
HOLD ON.
I'M GONNA PUT THE PHONE ON MY BIONIC EAR.
THAT'S--THAT'S BETTER.
NO, DON'T TALK SO LOUD!
DON'T FORGET, I'VE GOT BIONIC HEARING.
NO, THESE ARE NOT BIONIC.
THESE AREALLME.
I HEARD THAT CRACK, PAL.
OH--OH, IT WASN'T YOU. OH, OK, I GUESS I'LL JUST--
[MAKING BIONIC SOUND] DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO...
OSCAR GOLDMAN, IT'S ME, JAIME SOMMERS.
STEVE AUSTIN IS TRAPPED IN THE--IN THE REACTING--
HI, MOM. OK. YOU CAN...USE THE PHONE.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
OH.
HEY, LINDSAY,
HURRY UP, HONEY.
OUR FIRST LITTLE VISITORS ARE HERE!
LINDS?
OH! OH...HA!
OH, MY...
WHAT AN...
INTERESTING... COSTUME.
OH, WA--
HERE YOU GO.
ALL RIGHT. HAPPY HALLOWEEN.
DO YOU--DO YOU WANT ANOTHER COOKIE?
OK.
I'M, UH...I'M HERE TO GO OUT
FOR TRICK OR TREATS TONIGHT WITH SAM.
OH, YOU'RE ONE OF SAM'S FRIEN--
I AM SO SORRY. COME ON IN.
MY GOSH! SORRY.
NICE COSTUME. YOU LOOK LIKE
RICHARD BENJAMIN INWESTWORLD.
SAY, DON'TYOU LOOK NICE?
WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE?
I'M A GUY WITH A KNIFE THROUGH HIS HEAD.
OH. WELL...
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
HEY, MOM!
MOM, I GOTTA TALK TO YOU. [DOORBELL RINGS]
GET YOUR COSTUME ON, HONEY. THE TRICK OR TREATERS ARE HERE!
OH!
Both: TRICK OR TREAT, SMELL OUR FEET,
GIVE US SOMETHING GOOD TO EAT.
IF YOU--
HA HA HA!
YOU GUYS ARE BOTH GREAT.
COME ON IN! GET IN HERE!
HA HA HA!
WOW. HARRIS, THAT LOOKS REALLY REAL.
HOW DO YOU KNOW IT ISN'T?
OH!
IF I HELD YOU ANY CLOSER, I'D BE IN BACK OF YA.
HEY, CUT THAT OUT!
YOU KNOW, BILL, YOU LOOK REALLY LOVELY.
I'M JAIME SOMMERS, THE BIONIC WOMAN.
OH, OF COURSE YOU ARE!
[WHEELS SCREECH]
WHAT WAS THAT?
[HORN HONKS]
MOM...I'M GONNA GO HANG OUT WITH
MY FRIENDS FOR A LITTLE BIT, OK? I'LL BE BACK.
WAIT, LINDSAY... MOM, I'LL BE BACK!
SWEETIE, WAIT!
COME ON, LINDSAY. LET'S GO.
YOU HAVE ANY FAKE BLOOD AROUND HERE?
I WANNA FRESHEN UP MY WOUND BEFORE WE GO OUT.
WHAT?
SHE DID WHAT?!
SHE SAID IT WAS ONLY GONNA BE FOR A LITTLE WHILE.
SHE'LL BE BACK.
YOU KNOW, SHE WAS REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS.
YEAH. WELL, SHE BETTER BE BACK.
THAT'S ALL I CAN SAY.
THAT DAUGHTER OF YOURS IS ON THIN ICE.
UNTIL SHE GETS BACK, WOULD YOU PUT THIS ON
AND HELP ME PASS OUT COOKIES.
OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.
WHOA-OH-OH-OH!
DON'T FALL OUT.
BOO.
HIS PLANS FELL THROUGH.
YOU KNOW?
I'M SORRY.
dd SHE'S A ROLLER dd
dd A HIGH-ROLLER BABY dd
KNOCK IT OFF, BLONDIE.
YOU'RE GONNA BLOW THE SPEAKERS.
OH, I'M SORRY, GRANDPA.
I'LL TRY NOT TO BLOW ANYTHING OF YOURS FROM NOW ON.
HEY! WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
THERE'S THIS HAUNTED HOUSE
THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE REALLY SCARY.
YEAH. HEY, DUDE. THAT COULD BE KIND OF FUN, RIGHT?
FOR WHO, LOSERS?
HEY, SHUT UP. I LIKE HAUNTED HOUSES.
HA HA HA. I REST MY CASE.
OH, LISTEN. CAN'T WE JUST DRIVE AROUND,
SEE WHERE THE NIGHT TAKES US.
IS THAT COOL WITH YOU?
LINDSAY? YEAH.
I'M UP FOR ANYTHING.
Daniel: RIGHT ON, KID.
HEY, I'M REALLY GLAD THAT YOU DECIDED TO COME.
THANKS.
SO AM I.
HA.
YOU TWO ARE ADORABLE.
MOM, LOOK.
JESSICA, COME ON. DON'T STARE.
IT'S NOT POLITE.
WHY IS EVERYBODY STARING AT ME?
I MEAN, YOU'D THINK THEY NEVER SAW THE BIONIC WOMAN BEFORE.
THEY JUST PROBABLY DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS SO HOT IN REAL LIFE.
HA HA HA.
YOU--ARE YOU-- ARE YOU JOKING?
YOU'RE JOKING, RIGHT?
I SAW THE REAL JAMIE SOMMERS AT THE AUTO SHOW LAST YEAR.
HER BOOBS WEREN'T THAT BIG.
HEY, WE SHOULD GO TO THE RICH NEIGHBORHOOD FIRST.
THEY HAND OUT THE BEST CANDY.
IT'S NOT TRUE.
RICH PEOPLE TRADITIONALLY GIVE OUT THE CHEAPEST CANDY.
IT'S HOW THEY STAY RICH.
Bill: I JUST HOPE I GET SOME CANDY I CAN EAT.
YEAH, I'M ALLERGIC TO PEANUTS, LICORICE AND NOUGAT.
HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY BE ALLERGIC TO NOUGAT?
HA HA HA.
I DON'T KNOW.
UH, MY DOCTOR SAYS I'M ALLERGIC TO MORE THINGS
THAN ANYONE HE'S EVER SEEN.
THEN I GOT DIBS ON ALL YOUR MALT BALLS.
YOU CAN HAVE 'EM. I LIKE PIXIE STICKS.
PIXIE STICKS RULE.
NO WAY.
CHUNKIES ARE THE BEST.
UH-UH. CANDY CORN, MY FRIEND.
I MUST ADMIT, I'M A WAX LIPS MAN MYSELF.
Kids: TRICK OR TREAT!
WHY, YOU'RE THE CUTEST THINGS.
HEY, HAROLD, COME LOOK!
AAAAH!
Kids: AAAAAH!
OH, KIDS! I WAS JUST KIDDING!
I'M NOT REALLY A VAMPIRE.
I OWN A SPORTING GOODS STORE.
HEY? WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA,
SCARING MY KIDS?
I--I DIDN'T MEAN TO.
NO, I--I'M SORRY. I MADE HIM PUT THIS ON.
HERE. GIVE THESE TO YOUR CHILDREN. THEY'RE HOMEMADE.
ARE YOU CRAZY?
I'VE BEEN LECTURING MY KIDS FOR WEEKS
NOT TO TAKE UNWRAPPED CANDY.
THOSE COOKIES COULD HAVE RAZOR BLADES
OR PINS IN THEM.
I--I WOULDN'T DO THAT.
COME ON, COWGIRL.
ENOUGH OF THIS KID'S STUFF.
LET'S HEAD OUT TO THE BARN,
AND I'LL GIVE YOU A REAL GOOD ROLL IN THE HAY.
OH, HAROLD, NOT NOW.
WHEN?
I MEAN, THINK ABOUT IT.
ALL THE PEOPLE IN THIS TOWN ARE REAL RELIGIOUS.
BUT JUST 'CAUSE IT'S HALLOWEEN,
THEY'LL HANG PICTURES OF DEVILS, WITCHES, GHOSTS
ALL OVER THEIR HOUSES.
IT'S A JOKE.
YEAH. YEAH, I KNOW.
IT'S TOTAL WHITE, MIDDLE-CLASS HYPOCRISY.
YEAH. RIGHT. EXACTLY.
YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT I THINK ABOUT IT?
[BURPS]
Ken: THAT'S LOVELY, YOU KNOW. YOUR YEARS
IN CHARM SCHOOL REALLY PAID OFF.
BY THE WAY, HOW ARE THINGS GOING AT ASS SCHOOL?
GETTING ALL As.
OHH.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHERE WE COULD GO?
WE COULD GO TO THE MOVIES.
THERE'S A NEW FRIDAY THE 13thPLAYING.
GOD, GREAT! WHY ARE YOU SO HUNG UP
ABOUT DOING SOMETHING?
WHAT? ARE WE BORING TO YOU?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
WE SHOULD DO SOMETHING.
WE CAN'T JUST DRIVE AROUND ALL NIGHT, MAN.
HEY, MAN, WE AIN'T GONNA JUST DRIVE AROUND.
IT'S HALLOWEEN. WE ARE...
dd GONNA RAISE HELL, GONNA RAISE HELL dd
dd GONNA RAISE HELL dd
[DOORBELL BUZZES]
Together: TRICK OR TREAT!
OK... YEAH.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
UH... TRICK OR TREAT.
AREN'T YOU GUYS A LITTLE OLD FOR THIS?
WE'RE ONLY FRESHMEN IN HIGH SCHOOL.
HIGH SCHOOL?
THAT'S TOO OLD.
WE'RE YOUNG AT HEART.
OOH, CIRCUS PEANUTS.
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE ANYWAY?
THE TIN MAN?
I'M--I'M GORT. HE'S THE ROBOT
FROMTHE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL.
YOU LOOK LIKE THE FRICKING TIN MAN.
Bill: UM, MA'AM...
I HOPE THERE AREN'T ANY PEANUTS IN THESE PEANUTS.
'CAUSE IF THERE ARE, I COULD D-DIE.
GOOD NIGHT.
THESE ARE SO CUTE.
BUT, YOU KNOW, JEAN, THEY TRAIN THE KIDS
NOT TO TAKE UNWRAPPED FOODSTUFFS.
YOU SHOULD SEE ALL THE PARENTS
WHO ARE DUMPING THE COOKIES ON YOUR LAWN.
THEY'RE ALL COVERED WITH ANTS.
WHAT?!
WELL, HAPPY HALLOWEEN.
I GIVE UP.
HAROLD, RUN UP TO FARMER JACK AND BUY SOME CANDY.
WHAT? DRESSED LIKE THIS?
ALL RIGHT.
DON'T ANSWER THE DOOR TILL I GET BACK.
STUPID KIDS' HOLIDAY.
I SAY WE MAKE LINDSAY DO IT.
Daniel: NO. I'M GOING IN.
HEY, NO, NO, MAN. LET ME DO IT, ALL RIGHT?
OK.
Daniel: HEY, RELAX.
IT'S HALLOWEEN. WE'RE SUPPOSED TO DO THIS STUFF.
Daniel: WHOA!
OH, MAN. THAT IS SO UNCOOL.
I CAN'T BELIEVE WE JUST DID THAT.
YES, CONGRATULATIONS TO US ALL, INDEED.
I'M SO HAPPY I'M NOT AT THE TED NUGENT CONCERT.
GO.
GO AHEAD, LINDS.
GO.
YOU CAN DO IT.
OH, MY...
Ken: OH, MY GOD.
COME ON! COME ON, LINDSAY!
HAPPY HALLOWEEN.
THIS ONE'S FOR YOU.
Harris: OH, LOOK. IT'S FUN-SIZED.
YOU GUYS HAVING A GOOD TIME?
YEAH.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN.
UM... THANK YOU.
UH...I'LL EAT IT-- I'LL EAT IT LATER.
WHOA! WHOA!
dd YOU LOOK TOO GOOD TO ME dd
dd YOUR BEADY EYES dd
dd THEY CUT ME IN TWO dd
dd AND I JUST CAN'T LET YOU BE dd
dd WELL IT'S A FREE-FOR-ALL dd
dd AND I HEARD IT SAID dd
dd YOU CAN BET YOUR LIFE dd
dd STAKES ARE HIGH AND SO AM I dd
dd IT'S IN THE AIR TONIGHT dd
dd IT'S A FREE-FOR-ALL dd
BATTER UP, BABY!
WATCH IT, BABY!
dd IT'S A FREE-FOR-ALL dd
dd YEAH, IT'S A FREE-FOR-ALL dd
ALL RIGHT. THERE IT IS.
GO FOR IT, WEIR.
DO IT ALREADY.
OK, OK.
WHOA! HA HA!
GREAT. THANKS A LOT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THE HOT-DOG-ON-A-STICK GIRLS SAW US.
THAT'S MONTHS OF GROUNDWORK DOWN THE DRAIN.
LIKE THEY'D EVER GO OUT WITH YOU.
HEY, SHUT UP. THEY LIKE ME.
THEY ALWAYS GIVE ME FREE LEMONADE REFILLS.
Alan: WELL, WELL, WELL.
IF IT ISN'T THE GEEK PATROL.
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.
OH, MY GOD.
HEY, ALAN. WHAT'S UP?
I DON'T KNOW WHOSE ASS I WANT TO KICK FIRST.
YOU BETTER WATCH OUT, ALAN.
WE KICKED YOUR ASS ONCE. WE'LL KICK IT AGAIN.
I DON'T THINK SO.
THAT WAS 3 AGAINST ONE.
NOW WE GOT US A FAIR FIGHT.
IT'S TIME TO SETTLE THE SCORE.
Daniel: OH, YEAH.
HA HA HA HA.
NO, NO, NO. I GOT IT. I GOT IT.
LET'S GO SOAP THE SCHOOL'S WINDOWS.
NO, LOOK. I SAY IT'S TIME WE GET DOWN TO SOME SERIOUS DAMAGE.
KENNETH?
BREAKFAST, ANYONE?
Nick: OH, MY GOODNESS.
WE DON'T WANT TO FIGHT YOU, ALAN.
Alan: YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
JUST GIVE US YOUR CANDY AND YOU'RE FREE TO GO.
OK, HERE.
Alan: NOW YOU, DORK.
FORGET IT.
WE WENT THROUGH A LOT FOR THIS.
SHUT YOUR MOUTH, YOU LITTLE GIRL.
I'M NOT A LITTLE GIRL.
I'M A BIONIC WOMAN.
YEAH? PROVE IT.
Neal: NO, CUT IT OUT. STOP.
JUST TAKE THE CANDY. THIS IS MY GRANDPA'S COAT.
[CLOTH RIPS]
OW. FELL ON MY KNIFE.
COME ON, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
Neal: THAT'S IT. THAT IS IT.
THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.
I NEVER SHOULD HAVE LET YOU TALK ME INTO THIS.
I DIDN'T TALK YOU INTO ANYTHING.
OH, WELL, IT SURE AS HELL WASN'T MY IDEA.
OH, YEAH. YOU'RE TOO COOL
GETTING FREE LEMONADE REFILLS.
Bill: GUYS! LET'S JUST STICK TO THE PLAN.
THIS THING ON STRAIGHT?
KNOW HOW TO DO IT?
DIG IN, CHILDREN.
AWESOME.
THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT, JACKPOT. JACKPOT. COME ON.
ALL RIGHT. WHERE?
Kim: READY? OVER THERE!
WHERE?
YOU'RE SUCH A LITTLE BABY.
HAVE TO HAYOUR L ITTLE BABY'S EVENING.
OH, YEAH, AND GOING TO SOME STUPID HAUNTED HOUSE
IS THAT MUCH BETTER.
YEAH, AND YOU'RE STUPID.
TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE.
WELL, YOU ARE ONE.
ENOUGH, GUYS. COME ON.
MY BRA'S CHAFING. LET'S GET HOME.
Lindsay: WHERE? I CAN'T SEE.
KIM, YOU'RE BLOCKING MY VIEW.
NOW!
[CHEERING]
AWESOME, MAN. THAT WAS SO AWESOME.
Daniel: NAILED 'EM, BABY, NAILED 'EM.
WHAT?
OH, MY GOD. WHAT?
WE JUST EGGED MY LITTLE BROTHER.
OH, MY GOD.
WAIT, STOP THE CAR.
IT'S JUST EGGS. HE'LL BE FINE.
NO, STOP THE CAR. PLEASE, DANIEL.
JUST TAKE IT EASY. TAKE IT EASY.
LET ME OUT OF THE CAR!
HEY, DANIEL, STOP THE CAR, ALL RIGHT?
JUST STOP THE CAR. LET HER OUT.
DON'T GET OUT. WE'LL GET HIM.
Lindsay: SAM?
GENTLEMEN...
I'M GOING HOME.
OH, MY GOD. THEY'RE COMING BACK TO FINISH US OFF.
RUN FOR IT!
LET'S GO CUT THROUGH THEIR BACK YARD!
SAM?
SAM, I'M SORRY.
LOOK, GET IN THE CAR.
SAM, I'M REALLY SORRY. PLEASE? COME ON.
LET US GIVE YOU A RIDE HOME, OK?
Daniel: KID. IT'S NOT YOUR SISTER'S FAULT.
SHE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT WAS YOU.
LOOK, SHE'S REALLY, REALLY UPSET, KID.
I SWEAR TO GOD.
IT'S TRUE, SAM. I SWEAR TO GOD.
SAM!
GOD.
IS IT JUST ME, OR DID HE SEEM UPSET?
WOULD YOU SHUT UP, PLEASE?
HA HA HA HA.
JUST GIVE HER A BREAK, ALL RIGHT?
MAN, I AM IN SO MUCH TROUBLE.
JUST TAKE ME HOME.
NO, HEY, WHY DON'T YOU JUST STICK AROUND--
JUST TAKE HER HOME, ALREADY.
GOD.
I TOLD YOU SHE'D BE A DRAG.
dd MOTHER dd
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Kids: TRICK OR TREAT!
[DOOR OPENS]
OH, MY GOD. SAM, WHAT HAPPENED!
I GOT EGGED.
WHAT'S THE MATTER? WHAT'S GOING ON?
SAM GOT ATTACKED. ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
DID YOU GET EGG IN YOUR EYE?
I'M FINE.
OH, MY GOD.
Harold: WELL, WELL, WELL. LOOK WHO'S HERE.
SO HAPPY YOU COULD GRACE US WITH YOUR PRESENCE.
Jean: WHAT KIND OF TERRIBLE PEOPLE
WOULD DO THIS TO A LITTLE BOY?
WHO THE HELL DID THIS TO YOU, SAM?
SOME FREAKS.
FREAKS? LIKE CIRCUS FREAKS?
JEAN, I DON'T THINK THERE'S BEARDED LADIES
RUNNING AROUND THROWING EGGS AT KIDS.
HE MEANS HIPPIES.
YOU KNOW WHO THESE FREAKS WERE?
JUST A BUNCH OF DIRTBAGS.
OH, HONEY. MY LITTLE BABY BOY.
I'M NOT A BABY.
CERTAINLY GLAD WE ALL DECIDED TO CELEBRATE HALLOWEEN.
LAST TIME I HAD THIS MUCH FUN
I WAS PINNED DOWN IN A FOXHOLE BY THE NORTH KOREANS.
I'M SORRY, HON.
YOU DID A NICE JOB.
AND YOU ARE ON THIN ICE, MISSY.
WHEW. I DIDN'T EXPECT YOU BACK SO SOON.
MOM, I TOLD YOU I'D BE BACK IN A LITTLE BIT.
WHO WERE THOSE PEOPLE YOU WENT OFF WITH?
JUST SOME FRIENDS FROM SCHOOL.
ANYONE I KNOW?
UNH-UNH. NOT REALLY.
LINDSAY, IF YOU DIDN'T WANT TO HAND OUT CANDY WITH ME,
YOU COULD HAVE JUST TOLD ME.
I COULDN'T--
MOM, I DIDN'T WANT TO MAKE YOU FEEL BAD.
OH, I DON'T KNOW. [SIGHS]
THE WORLD IS SUCH A DIFFERENT PLACE
THAN THE ONE I GREW UP IN.
EVERYONE JUST SEEMS SO MUCH MEANER THESE DAYS.
MOM, KIDS DIDN'T THROW EGGS WHEN YOU WERE IN SCHOOL?
I DON'T KNOW. I GUESS SO.
I JUST KNOW I NEVER DID.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
[DOOR OPENS]
NOTHING LIKE GETTING YELLED AT BY DAD
WHEN HE'S DRESSED LIKE A VAMPIRE, HUH?
THANKS FOR NOT TURNING ME IN.
I'M REALLY SORRY. YOU KNOW THAT, DON'T YOU?
NOBODY THINKS YOU'RE COOL, YOU KNOW.
TRUST ME. I KNOW.
[DOORBELL RINGS] Kids: TRICK OR TREAT!
Lindsay: MOM?
OH, NO. HA HA HA.
THAT'S THE WRONG COSTUME.
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE MY LITTLE PRINCESS.
WELL, I GUESS I'LL HAVE TO BE
YOUR LITTLE PRINCE INSTEAD.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I'LL GET IT. OHH.
Kids: TRICK OR TREAT!
AREN'T YOU THE CUTEST THINGS?
LINDSAY, AREN'T THEY CUTE?
YEAH. THEY ARE.
HERE YOU GO.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN.
SAM?
CAN I COME IN?
YEAH.
YOU OK?
YEAH. I'M JUST READING A BOOK FOR SCHOOL.
IS IT ANY GOOD?
I DON'T KNOW YET.
EVERYONE'S NAME IS REALLY WEIRD AND LONG.
WELL, DON'T STAY UP TOO LATE.
I WON'T, DAD.
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